Tuesday, August 7, 2007

He has moved me!!

Ok so I thought I could handle waiting..I lied! I can't. This is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm very emotional and I can't seem to keep my mind from wandering. I keep telling myself that if I stay busy it will be better I have tried that and it doesn't work.I have tried not thinking of him at all but that doesn't work either..Everytime I go to eat I wonder if he is being fed. Everytime I buy the kids ice-cream I wonder what flavor he will like. I have bought him shoes but then wonder if he has any now? I go to sleep at night and dream about him. I have the most vivid dreams of his sweet little smile. I have only seen his smile once on one picture,how can I dream about it.How can my arms feel so empty when they are in fact so full with all the kids.
He is missing I can't explain the feeling of KNOWING he is out there and I can't get to him yet he needs me. I have such a peace about his health issues. One thing I know is #1 he has to be a tough kid. I love his spunk already. I keep going over in my mind meeting him for the first time. I will have had all this time examining his picture and he will have no time to take me in. I believe its hard also because my youngest daughter and Joesph are 18 days apart. So everytime I walk out of the room and she crys it makes me think of him.When she doesn't feel good and wants me hold her and comfort her I think of him. Where must he think his mother went. How can I step in and be that for him?Can I possibly fill that void? I know that the Lord will equip me and our family to be Jo's new family but I'm a thinker and imagine how he is going to feel. He is scared and sick and he is going to need an operation fairly quickly how do you prepare.......
I'm distracted He has driven me to Distraction and I can't wait until he is here and I'm able to feed him and keep him safe and make sure he knows that I may not look like his real mom but that he will see her in me when I hold him and rock him and feed him and tickle him and love him....Forever.(yes even when he is a 30 year old African man I will still call him my baby..:)

You move me.
You give me courage I didn't know I had.
I can't go with you and stay where I am so
you moved me.

Joesph you have moved me.



Anonymous said...

That moved me! Wow, I am in tears right now. God is preparing you and that little bundle of chocolate love. You will be so amazed at what God is going to do and how the transition for him will be smooth. That is your little boy and he will be home soon! Thanks for the encouragement this afternoon, I needed it. Love you so much and will talk to you soon. Pray for us!
Love ya,
Michael :)

Brandi said...

I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face. You're right, it must be SO much harder already having a child that age. When I meet people with 2 year olds, I instantly say "I have a 2 year old too, what's he doing" and cling to everything they say knowing Davis is also that age. I can't imagine living with another 2 year old right now. I hadn't thought about that. I bet Channie's getting many more hugs than usual!

Love you my friend,

Kathy, Jeff's Wife said...

Perhaps the Lord is allowing you to have these 'labor pains' as He 'births' your love for JT?

shoot...you were 'emotional' (mushy) BEFORE all this! ;o)

Amber G. said...

Your heart for your son is so beautiful. Thanks for sharing your thoughts... they blessed me so much.

S and K said...

Oh, now I am sad and missing my kiddos. I need them home!
God is preparing your arms and his little body to embrace each other. He'll be home before you know it and this will all be a memory that will eventually be forgotten... just like labor pains (if you have forgotten them!)
Praying with you and for you!


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