Amongst life, and the everyday things happen that make you stop in your tracks and realize how very small you are. This happened to me this week so I thought I'd share as I always share the keys that unlock my everyday. The good in my life is very, very good. God has seen our family through some very dark times as well and I have come to expect hard times and enjoy the good times. That's the secrect to my happiness. I've lost things and God has helped me find better things through those long dirt roads and I'm confident He will do the same this time.
I have walked dirt roads and lived to tell about it and now it seems we shall walk another.
I had not been feeling well after we all had the flu but I kept going because that's what we do. I started feeling really bad on one particular day and I was driving with two of my children and didn't want to take chances on the interstate so I went to an emergency room. A small country emergency room....(Note to reader...I hate Dr's so I don't go unless I'm pregnant or dying so on this visit I was not pregnant... so I must have thought I was dying..) I was three hours from home and Scott, but I could tell something was not right. I will save you the details of the 6 hour visit but the short of it was my blood pressure was high and the Dr. decided to do a cat scan of my lungs...? Ok I said a little worried but off to the cat scan room I went.. The big machine rolling around me like a dump truck rolling over a pile of dirt. My mind going through the possibilities of all of the "What ifs" in the world. What if I've had a heart attack? What if.... every bad thing you can imagine went through my mind as fast as the rain soaks the ground. The list was ever growing and I had to stop myself.....
I had to remind myself who God is..I had to remind myself I was not alone on this journey.
Thats hard to do when you're a wife and a mother.
If you're like me my job is so important to me that the very thought of not being around to celebrate my family sends me into a tidal wave of uncertainty.
On this day though, I left the country ER headed towards home with no real diagnosis and yet something inside telling me if I could make it through the night I would find a Dr. in the morning who could figure this all out.
Problem #1 This was two days before Christmas and no one I called really seemed to care one way or the other if I didn't feel my best. It was Christmas and they could not work anyone in.
I kept calling Dr. after Dr. until I found the voice on the other end of the line say, "Well, Dr. Kimbrell has a cancellation at two, he could see you then." A small prayer of thanks to the Lord ..I didn't know this Dr., had never ever heard of him but he was willing to see me...A small miracle.
When I went to his office 1 hour early just to make myself feel better his office saw me early.
I heard his voice as I sat in the small room up on the table with the crinkle paper and somehow I felt so silly sitting up there, pretending to be casualy reading a magazine. He walks in, a tall slender man with the eyes of compassion. I knew I was going to like him. My blood pressure was still high and he calmly told me that he was going to give me meds to bring it down and a boat load of blood work. The Ct from the hospital had shown a small nodule on my thyroid so he thought I had hyperthyroidism and that was causing my normaly low BP to go high. He told me to trust the Lord and that he never has an opening and the very fact I was sitting in his office was God's provision. I really liked this guy... He also wanted to get an ultra sound of my thyroid just to get a closer look. So I went for blood work and scheduled an ultra sound. In the mean time I was feeling better.. my BP was really low and I continued to work out and was (and still am) feeling fine.
Scott and I went back a week later for a report and my Dr. said, "all of your blood work came back great! I checked you for everything- over three hundred tests everything came back fine. I'm not sure why you had this spike...I'll get your ultra sound read and give you a call as soon as I see it."God caused the spike so this would be found....don't you believe?
A few days later he calls and says that I needed to see the Dr.s upstairs....The nodule on my thyroid was large so I need to go get it looked at. He gave me a number and I called..They saw me two days later. I didn't realize it was a surgeon. I'm not sure who I thought I was going to.. but a surgeon??? He walked into my room and felt my neck and did an ultra sound. He then said some very scary things like, "we need to do surgery to remove this. the nodule takes up 3/4 of your thyroid and it could be cancerous because of the size."
This is where my heart met the ground...Skaking and trying to listen, my life flashed before me.. Silly? maybe for you, but for me cancer means I can't take care of my family. Cancer means alot of things...Just the word alone .......
I turned to Scott with tears and his face was ashen.
The Dr. proceeded with.. because of the size of this it increases your chances.......you have other nodules around this one so that's good..because that usually means non-cancerous but we have to remove half of your thyroid and while your still asleep check to see if it's cancer or not. If it is we will remove your whole thyroid.
He went on record to say "if your going to have cancer this is the best kind to have" this is common, this is in and out..take a pill for the rest of your life and you're fine..I do this all day.
I'll take care of you and he was gone.
I wanted to stop him and say, "ummm.. you do know I have eight kids and a husband so you have to get this right"....but I was silenced...by the word........
Scott and I sat there looking at each other. Shocked and confused when they escorted us to another room to schedule this surgery.."Don't worry this is done often and you'll do fine."
My emotions, my thoughts, were not the most positive at this point in our day and I was and still am scared of my upcoming surgery.
I'm on a constant battle ground with my thoughts and the what ifs.....but as a friend of mine said,
"people are watching" and I want people to know that I love the Lord. I trust Him and He knows whats best for me.......He always does....
So I ask for prayer on Wednesday morning.....as they remove this nodule in my neck.
Pray that I have grace to travel dirt roads well. To not complain while I'm traveling and
to travel lite...
The smooth roads are fun, they are easy to walk down..
but these dirt roads are hard on the feet....no ice-cream and sprinkles out here....Just dirt roads.
But these roads lead you closer to the Lord. He's on the dirt roads...
He's traveling these dirt roads and he says I'm not alone and I believe Him because
I recognize the road I'm on. It's the same road I was on when we lost William..
so I'm not lost just getting familiar again with the dirt...that's under my feet.