Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Bring on the rain.......

Have you ever felt like you've been hung out to dry and it keeps raining on you?
Well that's where I'm at right now.
I awoke this morning to thunder, lightening and rain.
I look out my window because I remember my clothes on the line. They are no longer dry.
I'm no longer dry. I feel like those heavy clothes...
My thoughts are heavy. My heart is heavy and I feel as though I just want to crawl under something to get out of the rain.
But I can't. I have to stand. I have to endure the rain yet again and I'm wondering.....
I'm terribly tired. Tired of accepting food. Tired of writing thank you cards yet again.
I'm tired of trying to explain to my children that "no this doesn't happen to everyone".
I'm tired of forgiving people for saying stupid things like...".Cord accidents are because of the mothers blood pressure"..or..."we have put our kids through so much it's so un-fair to them..."

Scott and I are strong we have been through alot together but the rain is still cold and wet.
Trying to make sure the coldness doesn't get to our kids. Trying to stay warm and still walk through the storms of life when your both soaked to the bone.
Having a hope and peace that all things work together for the good of those that love Him.
We lay in bed at night and wonder how God will use this for our good.
Wondering how this will be used on His behalf to bring Him glory and honor.

I will stand in the rain. I will look for shelter, I will pray for the Lord's strength to just do the next thing. (Elizabeth Elliot wrote in one of her books when you don't know what to do 'Just do the next thing'.)
I will remember............
God's promises
God's provisions
God's love for my family

Empty hands held high.............

Monday, March 30, 2009

Seeing the fingerprints of God in our little valley.

Yesterday was a Glorious day to honor our son Baby Willy.
The clouds were thick and the air was cold until.....
until we walked down the hill side and the Sun shone upon us like
Someone orchestrated it..the wind stopped blowing and all was calm.
The Son was shining on all of us.

Some hundred or more people came to stand with us on the little hillside.
The strength from our friends and family held us as we walked the path no one
dreams they would walk. No one wants to walk.
The path to bury your child.
The path of not knowing why but trusting that the steps in front of you
have already been walked by our Lord and Savior.
The path is worn. He has been here.
I can still see his foot-prints.
I know which way to go. He leads us.
He is here now. His tears are the dew on the ground for our pain.
We keep walking. Hand in Hand
Knowing that I, that we, can trust Him.

Leaning on my husband feeling his heart beating.
Seeing our children walk for their baby Willy knowing that this will be the last thing I can do to honor him and to rejoice for the 8 months that I got to carry him and look out for him.
To feed him and nurture him.
To sing to him and feel his kicks.
Would I do it again if I had the chance? Yes!
Willy has made a difference on this earth and I would be honored to carry him again.

Baby Willy is escorted by his two brothers and two of our dearest friends.
The sound of Scripture being echoed through our little valley as we walk behind him.
The sound of weeping coming from somewhere behind me.
Am I really doing this?

I will praiseHim..
Sometimes I have to lean on others to praise Him.
Sometimes It's easy.
Sometimes It's not.
But I will continue to praise Him.

Friday, March 27, 2009

William Charlie.....March 25 2009

Peeling myself from the arms of my husband I slip out into the darkness of our home.
It's quiet now.
I can almost hear for the first time since this all begin the cries from my own heart.
The feeling of a battle field going on in my mind. Here I go again.
The battle! I'm standing in the middle of the battle and I feel completely at a loss.
Haven't I been here before.Haven't I fought this once, twice maybe three times. Haven't these heavy tears been shed before?Hasn't the death bell been rung more than enough?
As I put on my armor and protect myself and family I feel helpless.
I feel poured out.

On Tuesday night I stopped feeling the familiar kicks of baby Willie.
With the help of Taylor we tried warm bath, sweet stuff, talking to him,
rubbing etc...we called the Dr. and he said that it was ok, but he knew how I was
and if we wanted to come in and hear the heartbeat, then we could.
The same road, the same darkness, that has taken me to this same hospital took us there
again, but this time with rain and wind.
The car was silent, both afraid of the things the other was thinking.
Both not willing to admit.
Both of us sure that "our turn" was over. You know the turn, when you feel like you have had
enough and the pain of losing was past us and now we could experience the joy of birth. The joy of not being the one grieving.

(I know, pretty selfish of me.)

The room was quiet and the machines were much more quiet.
The faces with their familiar look.
I know that look, "This poor woman".
The Dr. crying over us. Literally tears falling over my feet as he tries to tell me what I already know.
He says to me "tell me one thing I can do to make this easier for you." I tell him
"I want to sleep"
I want to dream.
I want to be able to not look at all the sadness around me.
Not now, I will deal with things later. Right now I want to just sleep.
And I slept...............I would wake up as the medicine got stronger and a new face would be over me. I woke once with people from the door to the window in a line, shoulder to shoulder. You could not have fit another person in there. The prayers and words covered me as though they were a blanket....the battle being fought on my behalf by friends and family.
I slept....
I woke with words in my ear from my elders wife.."God is for you" she whispered over and over.
No fancy words..Just "God is for you." The battle words I need to hear.

The time was near and as I delivered our precious "baby Willy" I knew once again the heart ache of saying good-bye.

My husband and dearest friend have cried with me and hurt with me as I with him.
My beloved reminds me that God can be trusted..
Even when he can't be tracked.
God is not pacing the corridors of heaven in confusion over the loss
of our precious son.
He is saying loudly,

"Be still, and know that I am God" Psalm 46;10.

Please continue to pray for our family.
Please pray for my husband as he leads our family down this difficult path.
Please pray for our children as they mourn each in their own way for their brother.

I pray that I can be as Paul.
Paul had every right to be distraught at the state of this life.
What had happened to him was not fair. There had been times when he had been pubicly
whipped; he had gone without adequate food and clothing; he had gone with out food.
He could have complained bitterly that the Lord had called him to a difficult task and then virtually abandoned him. The "awesome why" could certainly have been on his lips.
But that was not what Paul was thinking.
He wrote to the believers at Phillipi:

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:12-13)

Paul's secret is to trust God regardless of the circumstances and not to expect too much perfection in this life. A better day is coming for those whose soure of contentment is in the priesthood of Christ Jesus.

Friday, March 20, 2009


"Stillness. Perfect stillness. It is a very great gift, not always available to those who most appreciate it and would find joy in it, and often not appreciated by those who have it but are uncomfortable with it.
External noise is inescapable in many places-traffic on land and in the air, sirens, horns, chain saws, loud voices and, perhaps worst of all, screaming music with thundering amplification which makes the ground shudder.
I think it is possible to learn stillness-but only if it is seriously sought. God tells us, "Be still, and know that I am God"Psalm 46;10. "In quietness and confidence shall be your strength Isaiah 30:15

Silence is one form of worship. When the seventh seal was opened there was a silence in heaven for the space of half an hour. What would happen in our homes if we should try to prepare ourselves for those heavenly silences by having just one half-hour when there is no door slamming, no tv, no stereo,and the only talk was in quiet voices."
By Elisabeth Elliot

Monday, March 9, 2009

a perfect 95 degrees will do or I shall die.

We received a phone call before the sun was even up that our " baby chicks are at the post office."
The house went in to over drive. We were not expecting our box of babies until tomorrow.
Scott walked out of the post office with some of the loudest, cutest little baby chicks we had ever seen.....(channie and I thought so any way.)
We brought them home to a household of great delight. A cheerfulness came through the house as everyone came and took their turn looking at our newest family members.

As we got them settled into their new closet in our homeschooling room I could tell these little things were high maintenance.
On the instructions their temp. had to be at a constant 95 degrees and if it wasn't they would surely die.
If they were huddled together that meant they were too cold and only if the temp. was perfect would they eat, drink and live.

We have checked on these little creatures about 30 times so far today. Adjusting the heat lamp,
changing their paper, and just making sure they were perfectly happy.
One time we heard them being very loud and went in to find the light had gone out.
It couldn't have been out for more than a minute or so, but they were very unhappy.

As I look down at these very small birds I'm thinking how much our house hold resembles them.
If things are not perfect and our living conditions are not met we begin to grumble and complain.
We don't want the least bit of change in our little world unless, of course, it's the good kind.
And God forbid the lights ever go out!

Some (me at times) raise our children to live in a 95 degree box. We provide a perfect living environment for them and all they have to do is eat, drink and get big.

Then..... they get married or get a job and they are devastated to find out that the rest of the world didn't get the memo of how to keep them happy...

I see this attitude within myself and I also see it in my children at times.
I wonder if the Lord looks down in my box of life and says "Your so high maintenance.
Your only happy if things are perfect. You can only smile if things are good."

Just as hard ships make us stronger or tough times makes us grateful we should
"count it all joy."

We are not fragile little chicks.
We have a heavenly Father who rules the world and has won the battle.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

"Hello I'm your brother, I know you're in there"

Channie asked me if "Willy T would be black like Joesph or pink like her?"
Cullen puts toys on my belly for baby Willy to play with.
Cooper kisses him every morning and every night.
As we're all watching a movie or wrestling on the bed we always say "be careful
of baby Willy...."
He is here all around us. His presence is alive and well among us.
He is my son already and he has a house-full of brother's and sister's waiting on his
"big day..."
But he's already here. It' s so amazing for to me to carry his life.
To already feel so protective of him.
To throw open the blinds and let the sun shine heavy on him and him to respond with movement.
To wake up in the middle of the night and worry about him.."Did I feel him move?"
To laugh when he gets the hiccups for the 3rd time that day.
To read him a book. To feel the pangs of hunger and think he is hungry too.
To be singing at church and to know by the way he moves that he loves my voice.

My thoughts are all wrapped up in him most of the day.
We have 12 weeks before we meet and I get to look into those beautiful eyes, yet I've already met him here in our home. I've already fallen in love.........

Motherhood is so amazing.

Monday, March 2, 2009

A little work and alittle play.........

Getting ready for a busy Spring..
Scott and the boys put me up an incredible clothes line...
Our garden dirt arrived where we will hopefully have a big harvest.....(hopefully) is the word..
Our baby chicks have been ordered and will arrive soon.
Channie will turn 3 in March.
Jo will turn 3 in April.
Scott and I will be married 17 years in April.
Taylor will turn 16 in April
Tucker will turn 14 in April
Baby Willy T will be next in line........
This season of my life the Lord has been teaching me alot.
Pregnancy is never easy for me but as I travel this road carrying little Willly,
I struggle with the demands of just everyday living.. The Lord and my husband
remind me to take it slow...
Blogging has been low on my priority but hopefully I can do better....As you can see
these little people in my life seem to need me alot lately.
As everyone gets older I realize parenting gets a little harder..
They need most of my time......


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