Wednesday, October 3, 2007

My Dad.

I got some very sad news this morning. My dad has had three massive heart attacks and his kidneys are shutting down and his liver.I found myself crying out loud. You never think that you will get that phone call and then you do. I have often thought of this call and wondered how I would process it.You see my dad is an alcoholic and he has been for as long as I have been his daughter. I have never known him other than the sober him or the drunk him. It's always one or the other.You plan your day around it plan your night around based on his drinking.Growing up is hard when you have an alcohlic father. He was always there but with that came a burden of his long nights. No-one at his job knew he drank so it was like a family secret. Everyone Loved my father and thought he was so funny and out going and to be honest he was and is. He and I never
really connected as father and daughters should. I hated his drinking and he knew that so he would push me away some and I would let him. Our relationship was mixed with fear of him and never understanding why I couldn't have a dad that loved me. Looking back I'm sure he loved me but when your a 11-12 year old girl you need your daddy to let you know that your his princess. I grew up surviving my child-hood by God's grace. It was scary at times and it was sad alot of the times. God saw me through those years and I learned early to trust in the Lord.
For years I wondered why God didn't give me a story book child-hood. I would ask but it wasn't until years later that he God gave me the answer.
While raising my own precious children I began to forgive my dad. As I held my own kids I felt sorry for my father that he could never love us the way your supposed to love your kids. Alcohol had stolen him from me and my brothers. Alcohol took a man who was supposed to be MY daddy and held him prisoner in his own body and no one could set him free. He is hostage to a disease that this culture promotes and that kids think that it's cool. I have tried over the years to help my dad to plead with him to stop drinking but he would say Priss I can't.
I have checked him in rehab and told him I was there every step of the way...He would get out and start drinking again.
He never understood my life style he always thought I had lost my last marble when we started homeschooling or having another baby. He started coming around less and less because he knew that Scott and I wouldn't allow his drinking around the kids. We really wanted to see him though so we would
get together with him at restaurants and graduations ete but it's always short and always when he was not drinking.
He has told me more times in the past few years how proud he is of me because of my family. He sends Christmas money every year and emails the kids for their birthday and alittle part of me thinks he remembered......
Well, this morning all the memories came flooding back to me. The funny thing is that God gave me all the good memories that flooded my mind and my heart. I just knew I needed to see him and tell him that I loved him.
When I walked in he looked so little and not all like I expected him to look. He looked very sad to me. I couldn't help but to start crying and I knew he would not want me standing over him crying. I touched his hand and said "I love you dad"
He looked at me behind a pair of eyes that I would recognize anywhere and said" I love you too Prissy". That was the name he always called me Prissy. It's simple but it means alot to me. Prissy. I may not have been his princess but I was his Prissy.
The nurses let us stay for an hour. He can't breath real good, so understanding him was hard at times but he kept talking so I kept listening. It was not hard understanding him say I love you when I left.
They are trying to get him ready to have Open Heart Surgery. How ironic that Him and Joesph both will have to have Open Heart Surgery. It is going to be along road for my dad. But..He like Joesph will not be alone. I will never give up praying that my Lord will heal him. I will never give up praying that Alcohol will leave his life forever. I think its time that he lets my dad be my daddy.
If my childhood would have been anything else other that what it was then I would be a different person. I may not have had such a desire to make sure my children knew the Lord and trusted him in all things. Good or Bad God will not leave us. There will be bad times in every ones life but God knows the reason we go through things.
I can honestly say now that I'm older that I understand why I had to go through a bad childhood. I broke a cycle that only I could break.Scott and I are first generation Christians. He used us to start a new generation and why I don't know but I'm thankful to be living this life he has given me.

As for you dad I love you dad and I want you to live so I can build memories with you.
I want you to live so that you can get to know your grand kids.
I want you to live so that you know Christ as your Lord and saviour.
I want you to live so that for many many more years I can hear you call me Prissy.


Robin

4 comments:

Olivia said...

"Your name is whispered in somebody's prayers." A.A Milne

I am praying for you and your dad...
~Liv

DeniseinSC said...

Robin, my heart cries with you. I will pray for your dad to recover and meet the Lord who loves him and died for him! I too have a dad that makes me very, very sad and lonely. God has in turn given me a husband that loves me more than himself, and I praise God for that. I know you too have been blessed by the Lord with a wonderful husband.Much love, Denise

rcsnickers said...

Robin,

What a surprise to run across your blog from some other adoptive blogs I am reading tonight! I have been thinking of your family lately and how the adoption process for Joseph was going! Pray for his healing and your strength. Praying for your Dad as well.

Letisha (we met through April at her house gathering this past summer!)

Also, very sorry to hear your friend lost their baby... I hurt for them.

amber said...

Oh, Robin, I'm so sorry about your dad. I'll be praying... for healing on all levels.
Love you,
Amber

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