Friday, May 1, 2009

Carrying my cross

A thought.....

There are no guarantees in this world...check that....the only guarantee is that God will never leave us or forsake us....even when (not if when) it appears that He has, He hasn't.

I went to William's grave yesterday and hung a bird feeder and a wind chime.

The walk to his grave is always one that I feel the Lord the most.

There is something in the steps that I take that I can't explain.

Maybe the breeze, or the wind dancing in the tall trees, but when I turn the last

bend and see the resting place of my child it always shocks me or humbles me.

I feel the Lord's presence at his grave. I feel the Lord telling me "it is well."

I try to tell Him that it doesn't feel well.

Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Standing over a shallow grave of a little boy
whom I never got to meet.

Smiling when I feel like screaming. Smiling when I feel like crying.
He says yes. This is the cross that I bear right now .This big ol' cross I have to lug around.
I'm supposed to do it joyfully.
I'm supposed to be like Paul and say "I have known the good times and been content and I have known the bad times and I have been content."
I will not lose faith in the God who has proven to be faithful..That's how you carry the cross of losing a child...Don't lose your faith. Trust in the Lord that His ways are so much better than our ways.
I have had women say "I don't know how you do it Robin, I couldn't be as strong as you"
I say "I don't have a choice."
I have to walk this road.
I didn't recieve a free 'get out of hardship' card. Hardships come.
I don't remember the Lord giving me any options..
You just walk it....

Walking back I look around me at all the beauty and the promise of new growth and new life

as spring rains bring forth the new fruit and I am reminded God is faithful..
He will not and has not left me or my family.
We are being rained on for our new growth, our new fruit....

His flowers are blooming and they bring Him glory with their color and life. Lord willing we will bloom again. To bring Him glory not ourselves.
This brokenness in our hearts may not be seen but we are standing at the table of the Lord and He is sustaining us.
He is on one end of the cross helping make our burden lighter...


smallseven said...

Your words continue to touch my heart and inspire me to persevere in my pain as well, to carry my cross joyfully. A couple months ago I "lost," an adoption, and yesterday it was confirmed that I had lost my newly discovered pregnancy as well. I'm still praying for you. God is using you mightily!
Heather Small

Anonymous said...

Robin, this is so awesome, and I feel iike I know you so much better by reading your blog. I can only imagine...
Hugs, Janet White

Anonymous said...

I pray for you every time I read these posts.


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