Peeling myself from the arms of my husband I slip out into the darkness of our home.
It's quiet now.
I can almost hear for the first time since this all begin the cries from my own heart.
The feeling of a battle field going on in my mind. Here I go again.
The battle! I'm standing in the middle of the battle and I feel completely at a loss.
Haven't I been here before.Haven't I fought this once, twice maybe three times. Haven't these heavy tears been shed before?Hasn't the death bell been rung more than enough?
As I put on my armor and protect myself and family I feel helpless.
I feel poured out.
On Tuesday night I stopped feeling the familiar kicks of baby Willie.
With the help of Taylor we tried warm bath, sweet stuff, talking to him,
rubbing etc...we called the Dr. and he said that it was ok, but he knew how I was
and if we wanted to come in and hear the heartbeat, then we could.
The same road, the same darkness, that has taken me to this same hospital took us there
again, but this time with rain and wind.
The car was silent, both afraid of the things the other was thinking.
Both not willing to admit.
Both of us sure that "our turn" was over. You know the turn, when you feel like you have had
enough and the pain of losing was past us and now we could experience the joy of birth. The joy of not being the one grieving.
(I know, pretty selfish of me.)
The room was quiet and the machines were much more quiet.
The faces with their familiar look.
I know that look, "This poor woman".
The Dr. crying over us. Literally tears falling over my feet as he tries to tell me what I already know.
He says to me "tell me one thing I can do to make this easier for you." I tell him
"I want to sleep"
I want to dream.
I want to be able to not look at all the sadness around me.
Not now, I will deal with things later. Right now I want to just sleep.
And I slept...............I would wake up as the medicine got stronger and a new face would be over me. I woke once with people from the door to the window in a line, shoulder to shoulder. You could not have fit another person in there. The prayers and words covered me as though they were a blanket....the battle being fought on my behalf by friends and family.
I woke with words in my ear from my elders wife.."God is for you" she whispered over and over.
No fancy words..Just "God is for you." The battle words I need to hear.
The time was near and as I delivered our precious "baby Willy" I knew once again the heart ache of saying good-bye.
My husband and dearest friend have cried with me and hurt with me as I with him.
My beloved reminds me that God can be trusted..
Even when he can't be tracked.
God is not pacing the corridors of heaven in confusion over the loss
of our precious son.
He is saying loudly,
"Be still, and know that I am God" Psalm 46;10.
Please continue to pray for our family.
Please pray for my husband as he leads our family down this difficult path.
Please pray for our children as they mourn each in their own way for their brother.
I pray that I can be as Paul.
Paul had every right to be distraught at the state of this life.
What had happened to him was not fair. There had been times when he had been pubicly
whipped; he had gone without adequate food and clothing; he had gone with out food.
He could have complained bitterly that the Lord had called him to a difficult task and then virtually abandoned him. The "awesome why" could certainly have been on his lips.
But that was not what Paul was thinking.
He wrote to the believers at Phillipi:
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:12-13)
Paul's secret is to trust God regardless of the circumstances and not to expect too much perfection in this life. A better day is coming for those whose soure of contentment is in the priesthood of Christ Jesus.
Oh Robin, how I have prayed for you and Scott this week.
God bless you, Scott, and the children. Your strength is an inspiration to us all. -Andrea
LIfting you high unceasingly. In Christ, the Key fam
I want to let you know that I am praying for you! I prayed for you through the night last night as I cried for your pain. No are are not selfish at all! I am truly sorry. I wish I knew why God plans what he does, and why your family has been through so much pain and suffering but I am glad that through it all you will come out finer than gold!
We have been praying here!! I have been completely heartbroken. I just can't tell you how much I am sorry you are having to go through this. I have been praying for all of you without ceasing!!!
Love you all so mcuh!
Praying for you and your family.
God is for you.
So sorry to hear of your loss. I pray God gives you an abundance of peace and comfort during this difficult time.
Your strong faith in God is such a witness to everyone around you! How I want to be like that in my own trials and struggles. I am praying for you and your family!
My heart is breaking for you. May God comfort you.
"Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind. But be glad and rejoice forever in what I create, for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight, and its people a joy. I will rejoice over Jerusalem and take delight in my people; the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more.
Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years; he who dies at a hundred will be thought a mere youth, and he who fails to reach a hundred will be considered accursed.
They will build houses and dwell in them; they will plant vineyards and eat their fruit. No more will they build houses and others live in them, or plant and others eat. For as the days of the tree, so will be the days of my people; my chosen ones will long enjoy the works of their hands. They will not toil in vain, or bear children doomed to misfortune; for they will be a people blessed by the Lord, they and their descendants with them.
Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear. The wolf and the lamb will feed together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox, but dust will be the serpent's food. They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain,"
says the Lord.
Love you and grieving with you on this rainy morning, my friend and sister. Praying for all of you and the day when your mourning will turn to songs of praise.
Robin, Cameron and I are praying for you and your family. We are so sad for your loss . . . We are here for you, though so far away.
In Christ, Laura
I'm so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you and your family. /hugs!
Our dear blog friend Kelly sent word. . .I'm dripping with tears for you! I don't know you I don't even have a face to put into my imagination; however, I ache for you and your dear loss. It's good to know that through God's grace we will be reunited one day in heaven when we lose loved one's. I will continue my prayers for you as well as your children and husband.
I am all to familiar with the road you are yet again traveling and my heart literally aches for you. We will be lifting you up to the Father, the God of all comfort.
Thank you for your brave and beautiful post.
My you sense His arms holding you, carrying you as you walk down this road. May God bless you and keep you all.
I am so sorry, I know that no words will make it any better, and I do feel your pain. We just lost our little girl at 17 weeks pregnant a month ago and I still have to force myself to get up every morning. I will definitely keep you and your family in my prayers. God Bless, Delilah
Oh my sweet friend. I sit here weeping with you. Oh Jesus hold them. Jesus I don't understand. Please give them peace. Lord not peace as in quiet, but peace as you shout your truth into their ears. You are FOR them. Thank you for that reminder. Lord, hold the kids as they grieve. Help Taylor and Tucker as they grieve but try to be strong for the littles.
Lord you tell us to mourn with those who mourn and my soul is wracked with sobs right now for the pain of our beloved friends. I love you Jesus and I trust you, but Lord this earth is so hard. . .please come soon.
I love you guys,
I don't know you, but came across your blog through Brandi's post. But my heart breaks for you and for your family. I am lifting you up before our amazing God and I have confidence that He will sustain you and be faithful each and every day.
I stumbled onto your blog through a friend...I am weeping for you. You are a true testimony for Him. Hang on to Him with all you've got, he'll get you through this storm.
Praying for you to have the Lord's peace, strength, and comfort.
I was dircted here by Generation Cedar's post. I don't know you, nor have I ever experienced the loss you have. But I am crying for you and praying for your family to feel the loving arms of God as He is the only one who can comfort you all in fullness.
Hi, you don't know me (I saw your blog through a post by Brandi), but I just wanted you to know that your grief is shared, and as others have said, you are not alone. What an intense sorrow and loss. We will remember you in the days to come and consider you prayerfully.
I don't know you but I saw Brandi's post. We're praying. Lifting your family up. Our God is for you! Press on, you are an amazing inspiration.
So sad. . . .God is for you. God is with you.
Dear Robin, Scott and children,
My heart breaks for you. I have no words to say except this there is a better day coming when we will not have to say good-bye to our children. I am praying and holding you in my heart and I am here for you no matter the hour.
praying tonight in Ohio.
Praying for you in Ontario. God loves you, He is on your side.
Oh sweet Robin, my heart breaks for you and the pain you are going through. I am so sorry. I will be praying for you! Love, Christie (Brandi's friend)
Praying for y'all, thinking of y'all.
Your family is in my prayers. May the Lord Jesus grant you all comfort and encouragement. Remember there is a time and season for all things. May the Lord usher in the season of rejoicing for you and your family. He has not forsaken you, and will never, ever leave you. He can be trusted and will help you. Know that you are a very loved woman and have many, many people praying on your behalf! May God bless and comfort you and your family during this time.
-Narobi in TX
I will be lifting up prayers in your behalf. I know that our ways are not GOD's ways, and that he is a sovereign GOD who loves Sweet little Willy. He will sustain you during this difficult time. I am so sorry. (Brandi's friend)
Please know that your precious family is in our thoughts and prayers as we grieve with you. May each of you feel God's arms around you as you walk this difficult path.
After we lost one of our babies, there was I song I often heard. The line that so ministered to me says this...
When you don't understand,
When you don't see His plan,
When you can't trace His hand,
Trust His heart.
Oh Robin... I am struck speechless by what I have just read. Thoughts & words are all jumbled in tears, & it is hard to know how to express it all.
My heart aches for you & your loved ones. You have been through so much & still cling strongly to the Savior! Thank you for being such a brave & beautiful example of Christian womanhood!
I beseech the Father to pour out His love & peace on you all. May you be comforted as only He is able to do.
Fight on, Robin.
"Blessed be the God & Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies & God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ. Now if we are afflicted it is for your consolation & salvation, which is effective for enduring the same sufferings which we also suffer. Or if we are comforted, it is for your consolation & salvation. And our hope for you is steadfast, because we know that as you are partakers of the sufferings, so also you will partake of the consolation."
~ 2 Cor. 1:3-7
Robin, I am so sorry. I will be praying for you and your family. Thank you so much for the help you have given me and let me know if I can return the favor in any way.
I am so sorry. I do not know your family but my heart aches for you, God is for you! How true the words!
Lori, Kerri and I have had you in our thoughts throughout all of this difficult and emotionally confusing time- When I pray for you now, I'm praying for God to give each one of you the strength you will need to trust, to hold on, to be there for each other...We love you all-
Tears and prayers for you. God is so in love with you and your family. Each and every life is exhalted. He chose you to honor this life He has given. God bless you, God please bless you!
Praying and crying for you in Alabama. I don't know you but i heard about your story from generationcedar.com. I have felt this pain...it is such a lonely feeling. You know God is there...you just want to see him. God IS for you.
blessings and strength,
I just found out about your loss. I'm so sorry. I felt sick inside as I read this post and a rush of memories came to me. I've been "there" too many times. I hate thinking about the pain you are going through right now. I wish I could take it away from you and protect you from having to go through it again. I wish I had words that could be right.
But even as I say this, I also know I can trust Jesus to carry you through this and heal you and your family. He has done miracle after miracle in my heart and life. I will keep praying for you and your family, trusting Him to do those same miracles.
It has been a beautiful thing to watch what he's done in the hearts of my girls. They have such a sweet, eternal perspective that many adults will never know.
I know you've got a journey ahead of you and just need to rest right now. I'm here and praying.
Robin, my heart is breaking for you and your family. You are overwhelmingly in our thoughts and prayers. With much love,
Oh, Robin, we ache for you. -Shauna Phillips
My heart is so grieved for you. Praying for His peace in your hearts.
Dear Robin...our prayers will be prayed over you. Our God is for you....love, Denise and the gang
I am so so sorry,Robin.
I remember a day in August 2002, wheen 33 weeks pregnant, I too went to the hospital. "It never hurts to check", my Dr told me over the phone. But the ultrasound machine was silent, and the tech wouldn't let me see the picture. I remember two days later, with a violent summer storm chasing us all the way, going to the hospital again to deliver a son who would not cry. I, too, remember being exhausted, trying to sleep, waking up to do what I had to do. I remember my husband and I holding our beautiful baby boy and wondering why.
I didn't really know the Lord at that time. But he comforted me anyway. After all, who knows better what it's like to lose a son than our Father in heaven. Oddly enough, it took the death of my son to make me look again at the death of His Son. And over time, I learned that, because of His Son, I will see my son again.
We live in a fallen, imperfect, world, and the loss of our children is a reflection of that. But we can be comforted knowing that our Father shares that pain and grief.
A woman I know, who had also lost a son, told me that the pain never goes away, but it does get easier over time. Over the past 6 years, I have found this to be true. It is a long slow process, but it does get easier. Life goes on, and my son's older sisters have grown healthy and strong. And in 2004 I had a little girl who cried when she was born, and I cried with her, for her and her brother.
God bless you, Miss Robin. Cry when you want to. It's OK. Talk when you need to. A good friend will always listen. And know that you are not alone.
Love and Peace, Karen
You are absolutely astounding, Robin; you and your strength. Thank you for sharing and I am so, so sorry. I'm a flesh twig next to you, snapping under the least pressure. May God have mercy on my pitiful frame and your bountiful heart. (Judging from your latest adoption news, it looks like He has :)
Hi. We have 13 children and have been through 6 early miscarriages ourselves. It's painful and hard to understand, though we trust in the goodness of God. We also publish a small (248 subscriber, 1000 circulation) hard copy periodical called SALT Magazine. (You can check us out at www.saltmagazine.com. We would like to print William's story in our next issue. We believe people would be edified and comforted to read what you have written. We normally pay $40 for articles and we would be happy to let people know about your excellent blog. If you could get back to us quickly we would appreciate it. Our next issue needs to get to the printer soon. Whatever you do, may God bless you for your online ministry. May He watch over you and yours and bless all you do for Him. - Jim & Cindy McDermott
Hi-- I have read your blog for a about a year now. On April 14th of this year, I too lost my precious baby son. He was born on his due date and we are not sure why he died. It has been such a difficult journey but I am trying to keep my eyes on that which is not seen (Eternity and the fact that my Savior had Isaiah's days in His hands) vs. that which is seen. Thank you for your blog.
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