Peeling myself from the arms of my husband I slip out into the darkness of our home.
It's quiet now.
I can almost hear for the first time since this all begin the cries from my own heart.
The feeling of a battle field going on in my mind. Here I go again.
The battle! I'm standing in the middle of the battle and I feel completely at a loss.
Haven't I been here before.Haven't I fought this once, twice maybe three times. Haven't these heavy tears been shed before?Hasn't the death bell been rung more than enough?
As I put on my armor and protect myself and family I feel helpless.
I feel poured out.
On Tuesday night I stopped feeling the familiar kicks of baby Willie.
With the help of Taylor we tried warm bath, sweet stuff, talking to him,
rubbing etc...we called the Dr. and he said that it was ok, but he knew how I was
and if we wanted to come in and hear the heartbeat, then we could.
The same road, the same darkness, that has taken me to this same hospital took us there
again, but this time with rain and wind.
The car was silent, both afraid of the things the other was thinking.
Both not willing to admit.
Both of us sure that "our turn" was over. You know the turn, when you feel like you have had
enough and the pain of losing was past us and now we could experience the joy of birth. The joy of not being the one grieving.
(I know, pretty selfish of me.)
The room was quiet and the machines were much more quiet.
The faces with their familiar look.
I know that look, "This poor woman".
The Dr. crying over us. Literally tears falling over my feet as he tries to tell me what I already know.
He says to me "tell me one thing I can do to make this easier for you." I tell him
"I want to sleep"
I want to dream.
I want to be able to not look at all the sadness around me.
Not now, I will deal with things later. Right now I want to just sleep.
And I slept...............I would wake up as the medicine got stronger and a new face would be over me. I woke once with people from the door to the window in a line, shoulder to shoulder. You could not have fit another person in there. The prayers and words covered me as though they were a blanket....the battle being fought on my behalf by friends and family.
I woke with words in my ear from my elders wife.."God is for you" she whispered over and over.
No fancy words..Just "God is for you." The battle words I need to hear.
The time was near and as I delivered our precious "baby Willy" I knew once again the heart ache of saying good-bye.
My husband and dearest friend have cried with me and hurt with me as I with him.
My beloved reminds me that God can be trusted..
Even when he can't be tracked.
God is not pacing the corridors of heaven in confusion over the loss
of our precious son.
He is saying loudly,
"Be still, and know that I am God" Psalm 46;10.
Please continue to pray for our family.
Please pray for my husband as he leads our family down this difficult path.
Please pray for our children as they mourn each in their own way for their brother.
I pray that I can be as Paul.
Paul had every right to be distraught at the state of this life.
What had happened to him was not fair. There had been times when he had been pubicly
whipped; he had gone without adequate food and clothing; he had gone with out food.
He could have complained bitterly that the Lord had called him to a difficult task and then virtually abandoned him. The "awesome why" could certainly have been on his lips.
But that was not what Paul was thinking.
He wrote to the believers at Phillipi:
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:12-13)
Paul's secret is to trust God regardless of the circumstances and not to expect too much perfection in this life. A better day is coming for those whose soure of contentment is in the priesthood of Christ Jesus.