Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The scars that I can't heal

If you look close enough you can see them. The scars that brought him back to life. The 6 hour surgery where they stopped his heart and put him on the ventilator. The surgery that turned his life around from death to life.
It's funny, he doesn't ever ask about the big scar that runs from his neck to his belly button. It's there and yet he doesn't seem to care much about it. The scar that brought him full circle. The reason he's with us in our family is because of that heart that couldn't pump enough blood.... and so the scar.
I love that scar. The reminder of where we started from. 





The scar that you can't see in Jo is the scar of missing his sisters in Africa. The two sisters named Ruth and Princess. They seem to cut him much deeper than any open heart surgeons knife could. He prays they have enough to eat and that they are safe. He prays for his African mother with the beautiful clothes that held him and protected him for 17 months. He prays..
I pray with him and tell him every little detail of my time with her and what she looked like and how she smelled of dial soap. How she was so determined to get him help that she was there everyday that I was there. Watching and letting go of her son little by little. I would hold him and he being so sick would not cry for her or cry because of me, he just sat between the tears that she and I shared.
She gave him up and now I live with a little boy who has scars of the heart inside and out. As he gets older he looks at their pictures more. He touches the colored copies of their faces and says "black like me." Yes, Jo black like you. Scars........I can't see, but nonetheless they are there. Adoption continues to be a road that I live more on my knees then my feet. Trying to say the right things, trying to always point him to Christ and remind him that we all are adopted. But the fact will always remain that he has a black mama that loves him more than I could ever love him because she found him help and then she gave him to me and rested in the fact that I promised her I would get him surgery. Could I give Jo up? Could I make it well with my soul somehow or would I hold him until he took his last breath because I was to afraid to let go? My own selfishness standing in the way of help.

She let him go and now I live with the scars that only God can heal. The scars that reach his inner most parts.
I don't want to mess this up. I want him to grow up being so very proud of his mother. I want him to love her so very much for committing to him even when the road was long and the cost was much she never stopped.
I have wished so many times that she could see him now. Running and playing and talking. He has never been to a Dr. for a sickness since he left the hospital. He's strong and he's my African Warrior. He's a survivor.
Oh, to hold his hand and to kiss his face. To teach him how to read and write his name. To teach him that God has been so good to Him even though it may seem like a hard providence, God has been good and faithful.
Teaching the lessons of scars in his life and I am remind that God uses our scars for battle cries and they make us stronger and deeper and more dependent on Him.

I love Jo scars and all....and I'm praying for a woman that lives half way across the world.....


Posted from the archives



19 comments:

Laine said...

Oh Robin...this is tender for me especially.
I've missed you sister! How are you?

Jennifer said...

Beautiful! Some we can see, some we cannot. Poignant.

Kendy Jo said...

Tearing up by your post...I can see you're doing an awesome job of caring for him and your other little babies.:) Only God can heal his heart and you have inspired our family and especially me by your life.Keep living for Him;He is and will continue to make a beautiful sculpture out of you and your family's life!:)

Your sister in Christ,
Kendra

Ken said...

Jo's story is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

Karen said...

Sorry, I signed in under my husband's account. We too pray for special mothers across the world and are grateful for their sacrifices.

Bria said...

You are good at making people cry Mrs. Robin! In a good way. He will treasure your words and your pure heart forever.

Nabila Grace said...

How beautiful...this touches extra close to home as my brother and sister n law were adopting a little baby girl in Africa where they live and she just passed away recently. Hold him a little too long and hug him just a bit to strong my dear! :o)

Renata said...

What a story this little man has & what a blessed son he is to have two mothers who love him so.
Have a lovely day - enjoy your precious family
Renata:)

Auntie Kathy said...

What a special mother you are, you love so tenderly and freely. You truly understand that our children, whether given by birth or adoption, are not for us, but rather for God's glory. He is a good God, always a good God, even in the midst of hard circumstances. Jo is an African Warrior, I can see it in his eyes, I've seen it in the way he treats people, especially his siblings. Press on, Sister, press on!

Anonymous said...

I love the way you are able to articulate your thoughts. Is there any way you could someday take him back to visit his mother? God has a plan for this handsome boy and you are the beginning. God bless you!
(Mom to 5 adopted children of different backgrounds.)

Susan

Sarah said...

Such a beautiful boy...such beautiful mamas (both of them).

Anonymous said...

My heart aches and rejoice with what God has done with Jo, and your family. Hope you are well and thankful your are posting. tammy

Shelby said...

Beautiful post and beautiful story. Adoption is such an intricate thing - it brings up the gamut of human emotions. Your Jo will be ok, because you will point him to Jesus, the only One in whom we can find our identity. His first Mama will be ok, too, because she will be covered in prayer by your family. Maybe one day he will be able to see her again. I pray that my son is able to meet his birth mama, who loved him enough to make the unselfish choice.

Taralyn Carlsen said...

A Beautiful post, Mrs. White. I check every day for new ones!
In Christ,
Taralyn~

Brandi said...

Wow. Amazing! The way God is using you. Thank you for sharing this little boy's story....amazing.

Becky said...

You have an amazing gift with words. You and your family are an inspiration to me in ways you will never know. I'm in awe of Joe's birth mother. I had to stop and ask myself if I could be that unselfish... I don't know if I could ever give up any of my children... but to save their life... I think only God can give a Mother enough strength to be able to do it. I pray that Joe can be filled with peace and gratitude and love toward his birth Mother... and to you.

Home Instead said...

I love your blog. It brings me to tears often. Your amazing love and gratitude and the ability you have to transform those thoughts and feelings into beautiful words. Thank you for sharing.

Leslie said...

Oh Robin....what a blog post! Wow. Before I was a Christian, I always worried about the inside scars that I carried around. When the gospel was shared with me and I understood JESUS' scars for my scars, well,.....scars took on a whole new meaning for me.
You are a very special Mom.

Mama D’s Dozen said...

We have a son who is covered with scars from his life & death battle with bacterial meningitis. (He had 100+ 3rd degree burns from the bacteria.)

We tell him to never be embarrassed of his scars. We call them his "Testimony Scars" ... they open many doors for him to speak his testimony ... that God saved his life, and healed his body ... that "God took me to heaven twice, and then let me come home."

I know that your son's scars can be his testimony scars, as well.


Laurel :)

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