The scars that I can't heal

If you look close enough you can see them. The scars that brought him back to life. The 6 hour surgery where they stopped his heart and put him on the ventilator. The surgery that turned his life around from death to life.
It's funny, he doesn't ever ask about the big scar that runs from his neck to his belly button. It's there and yet he doesn't seem to care much about it. The scar that brought him full circle. The reason he's with us in our family is because of that heart that couldn't pump enough blood.... and so the scar.
I love that scar. The reminder of where we started from. 





The scar that you can't see in Jo is the scar of missing his sisters in Africa. The two sisters named Ruth and Princess. They seem to cut him much deeper than any open heart surgeons knife could. He prays they have enough to eat and that they are safe. He prays for his African mother with the beautiful clothes that held him and protected him for 17 months. He prays..
I pray with him and tell him every little detail of my time with her and what she looked like and how she smelled of dial soap. How she was so determined to get him help that she was there everyday that I was there. Watching and letting go of her son little by little. I would hold him and he being so sick would not cry for her or cry because of me, he just sat between the tears that she and I shared.
She gave him up and now I live with a little boy who has scars of the heart inside and out. As he gets older he looks at their pictures more. He touches the colored copies of their faces and says "black like me." Yes, Jo black like you. Scars........I can't see, but nonetheless they are there. Adoption continues to be a road that I live more on my knees then my feet. Trying to say the right things, trying to always point him to Christ and remind him that we all are adopted. But the fact will always remain that he has a black mama that loves him more than I could ever love him because she found him help and then she gave him to me and rested in the fact that I promised her I would get him surgery. Could I give Jo up? Could I make it well with my soul somehow or would I hold him until he took his last breath because I was to afraid to let go? My own selfishness standing in the way of help.

She let him go and now I live with the scars that only God can heal. The scars that reach his inner most parts.
I don't want to mess this up. I want him to grow up being so very proud of his mother. I want him to love her so very much for committing to him even when the road was long and the cost was much she never stopped.
I have wished so many times that she could see him now. Running and playing and talking. He has never been to a Dr. for a sickness since he left the hospital. He's strong and he's my African Warrior. He's a survivor.
Oh, to hold his hand and to kiss his face. To teach him how to read and write his name. To teach him that God has been so good to Him even though it may seem like a hard providence, God has been good and faithful.

Teaching the lessons of scars in his life and I am remind that God uses our scars for battle cries and they make us stronger and deeper and more dependent on Him.

I love Jo scars and all....and I'm praying for a woman that lives half way across the world.....


Posted from the archives

Chickens and strawberries

The girls are getting so big. I can't help but laugh at their spunk. They keep me running and they keep me laughing and they keep me praying, a lot..How do I do it all? Everyday is fresh and new and everyday I start anew. I know that the days on this farm are changing and I do what I know and I pray that He will fill in the blanks. Little AA is staying with us off and on and he is such a joy. He brings with him laughter and happiness. He is one of the most pleasant babies I have ever been around and I love him being here.  

I can't help but to show you what I'm up against. The girls are so stinking cute but these two need to be watched. They do this little tag team shuffle and keep me guessing who's going to have a bad day. I'm ready for them. They are little pistols fully loaded and it's my job to unload them...it's hard work people!
They are very close to being fully potty trained during the day which in itself is quite an accomplishment. They now stay up late with the family and watch movies and love to cook and wash dishes. They are such blessings and I love shaping them and molding them to love the Lord.

Cooper went on a walking herb class with his grandmother and they told him the benefits of the thistle plant so he decided to dissect one and try and get the milk out of it. He worked on that big brier patch for most of the day and barely got a few drops. That's the joy of homeschooling though. Time to explore and research things. One of the many reasons I love homeschooling so much.

Little sweet flower is doing well. We recently got 10 new laying hens and well, this little country girl loves to sit out there and watch all those chickens scratching around in the dirt. She jumps over the fence and sits out in their yard and just watches. In a day and age where girls hardly ever go barefoot anymore this little girl's feet are always dirty. The dark soil from her grandfather keeping her feet the color of coffee.
This girl loves her chickens. Come by sometime and she'll show you.

More than chickens she loves strawberries and the strawberries are ripe and big and beautiful this year.
She has went picking twice and she is a pro. She can fill a bucket almost as fast as Cooper but she always stops and eats a few. The red juice slowly finding it's way down her shirt.

Sometimes I feel so busy raising up 8 + 1 children and this chair calls me to come sit a spell and write about our life here on the farm but our life here is full, rich, joyful and busy so it keeps me out of this chair...

I do have some upcoming posts on child training so any specific questions you might have leave them in my inbox and I'll try to answer them!

Blessings from the Farm,
Robin

His life a light

He's been here for most of his life. His light pushing back the shadows of doubt and confusion. God said the words, "let there be light" and there was light. God said the words, "let there be an African boy named Jo" and so it was the beginning of his beautiful story. With his story comes the story of his best friend Cullen. His brother only 1 year older, these two share life together and break bread everyday and absolutely cause me to love the smell of boys and the laughter of pure friendship that I see in them.    
Jo is taller and Cullen stands on tippy-toes saying no, he's not taller.

Jo's light of braveness as he stands in a field that is not his country.

Stands with a brother who is not his color.

Stands next to me as my son and showers me with his

ability to cope and laugh and give God thanks for

saving him but in the process having to give up all he knew,

all he loved in Africa for the chance God offered. He has dealt so well

with the many changes I forget sometimes that he was never born here.

I forget sometimes that I never gave birth to him. 

His long African legs stand now in our pasture. The Lord restoring the life of this boy. The Lord smiling at Jo's strength and endurance as he grows another year older and he realizes just how much he has to be thankful for as I explain to him how near death he was. He puts a finger to his scar and runs it down the jagged edge and says "He saved me".
Yes, Jo, He saved you.
God made you and now you should always give thanks and glorify God forever. Tell your children so that they can tell their children of God's faithfulness in your life. Be a thankful person and don't look at the past as a negative, look at it as God's intervention in your life to heal you and save you.

So with those words I pray that you never ever know a day without the Lord as your Savior. I pray that thankfulness continues to be pressed on your lips.
I thank the Lord for your birthday and for His words of "Let there be a little African boy named Jo." and I'm sure He said, "he is good"..:)  

Consider

For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink: nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap, nor gather in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?.... Matthew 6-26,28 

Can you imagine listening to these words while resting on the grass and watching the gentle mountain breeze entice the wildflowers into a delicate dance on the meadow as chirping birds fly effortlessly from tree to tree? How could you help but feel the pressures of your daily troubles lift as you breathe the fresh air and hear the voice of Truth remind you to rest and trust?

Christ was saying "Come, look at God's handiwork!" and them pointing beyond the handiwork to God Himself.

"Look," Jesus told the crowds and his disciples that day. "Observe."

Another translation says "consider".

Are we paying attention to God's reality and presence in the world around us?

Are we inspired by the handiwork of our Lord and Savior?

I know I am!

Like when I look into the eyes of this little brown eyed girl named Ellie. She is precious to me. My soul delights in her. I consider how every thing about her was created and molded together by God. She is Ellie because He is God. I love that! I love that!

I consider the wonders of the Lord when friends run through your pasture, the sunlight draining from the day and landing on their faces. I recognize that the Lord put it there Himself. Sunlight, the beautiful flowers of the field. He was kind of showing out because He brought it all together and it was captured. This moment can never be relived and yet we can look back and remember.

We can remember the tall grass, the purple flowers, the sun setting and remind them that Christ made it all.
Amazing!

I see the fruit of the labors of planting our garden. The watering and weeding...The beauty of divine

work that He brings together for food for our table.

He has truly thought of everything and given us everything we need. If we do the work

without remembering Him, it's all for nothing.

Oh Lord, thank you for the magnificent gift of your creation. Your handiwork makes me stand in awe at your greatness. May I always find time to stop and point my children to all the wonderful things you have created for us and in return point them straight to you, the creator of it all.

Even our dog Boo....

Blessings from the farm,
Robin

Dance with me

The rays from the moon are twinkling and we dance under the moon beams.
I dance with all of them and I love the sounds of the night. I hear them far off..The frogs making their noise looking for that "someone special".  I smile because that sound has been a part of my life for as long as my memories take me back. The sounds of frogs and crickets. The darkness so deep yet their song so loud.
A constant reminder of God's creation and I'm so happy I have this night to share it with them. To hold their little bodies close and smell them and soak them up.

Channie bringing up a  "make a wish" flower..

"Make a wish with me mama"..

"ok, Channie"

 I wish that you would never ever forget this night and you will always remember us under the moon dancing and holding hands. I pray that you never ever forget that we share nights like this and that they're gifts from the Lord. The Lord gives us nights like these so that when we have hard nights we can look back on these beautiful moonlit nights and remember He is good.

Slow down tonight and dance under the moon with your children. Share a memory under the canopy of God's love.

Blessings from the Farm,
Robin

Genesis 1:16
And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.

Gratitude

The light from the cake shining in my heart still as she blows the number 6 out and another year with this little girl has passed and the Lord has been so good.

1. Learning to read and tying shoes 
2. Learning to change diapers
3. Learning to cook
4. Learning to serve
5. Learning to hope in the Lord.. "since I turned 6 Daddy, I'm going to ride my bike without training wheels."  

Channie-Mae has had a wonderful year of health and happiness and as I become "more familiar" with this beautiful person whom the Lord has allowed me to raise up I'm amazed at His goodness..

The old saying goes, "Familiarity breeds contempt". We tend to take for granted the things that have been

a regular part of our lives.We don't live with a sense of appreciation for the lavish food, clothing, housing, and health we enjoy. We are incredibly rich but we do not live with a sense of privilege.

Yet in my life I live with the most beautiful expressions of God's love and  

I don't want to be too familiar that I forget how special she is, how special they all are.

I don't want to ever forget that it is a privilege.

 I am a mother and for the privilege of that one job I am thankful. 

1. Reading stories
2. tea parties
3. library days
4. teaching her to read
5. teaching her about the Lord
6. going swimming
7. holding hands
8. kissing her boo-boos
9. sharing my bed
10. watching movies
11. teaching her to cook
12. holding Rosie
13. smelling her hair
14. jumping on trampoline
15. braiding hair
16. ice cream

She is a sister to many and she wants more.

 He is a boy from Africa who will tell you straight up that

God saved him from a certain death.

I remind him everyday..what God has done for him.

I've taught him to live with a sense of gratitude at what the Lord has done.

He will remember that the Lord orchestrated his adoption and he should live out

his life with gratitude. 

You're looking into the eyes of the next generation and the Lord

has given me marching orders to teach it to them. The brown in their different shades always looking and I pray that I always look into their eyes and see something different..Never becoming familiar and losing my focus and my agenda.. 

Teach it to the next generation.

I remind her that when she was born the cord was wrapped around her neck two times...She was breech and they (the doctors) were going to try and manually move her and after much prayer we decided not to let them.  Later that week when she was born the Dr. said if we had done the procedure the cord would have tightened around her neck. I tell her the Lord preserved her life and how she should live with a sense of gratitude. I help them to remember what the Lord has already done in their life and to look to the future with a great sense of Hope and trust in Him.

If we don't do this our children will never feel connected or see the foot prints of the Lord in their life at an early age. Keep reminding them how faithful the Lord has been. Teach them to tell others their story of adoption, how He healed them with open heart surgery, or how the Lord saved them at birth.

Teach them to look at their life and know that the Lord has had it all mapped out from the very beginning and He's been there.  

His finger prints etched into their very core. 

That's what I tell them.

Channie-Mae, your life is mapped out by a living God who adores and delights in you.

May you, my darling, live your life in such a way that 20 years from now I can still look

upon these pictures with delight and happiness and say, "she has only grown in her Faith"..

May you always remember you were born to Glorify and Love God forever. 

March 31, 2012

love you forever,

mom  

they itched her....

Her name is Rosie and well, she has been a part of our family for almost 4 years. She has traveled the many vacations with us and  been sick with us.She goes to church with us and to the grocery store on a lot of occasions. She has more clothes than I do and she gets to sleep with Channie-Mae.  This little doll named Rosie is just the sort of memories I like to store up.
I can hear Channie whispering to her in the other room and so I tip-toe to see what the secrets are between these two friends. Rosie is telling Channie in that familiar "Rosie" voice that her panty hose itch and Channie says "ok, well you don't have to wear them." I walk over and say, "Channie, where are Rosie's panty hose?" and she says "Mom they itched her and I took them off."
I want the memories of playing mommy to hold a special place in her heart when she is older. I want her dolls to have names and be passed down from generation to generation. I want her finger prints to be forever etched into that doll she loves so dearly. I want her to remember the beauty of her childhood and pass down that beauty to her own children. I want to remember Channie Mae being 5 years old forever....but more than that I want her to remember being 5 years old and playing pretend and having a sweet fondness of her childhood.


Channie, I could never say enough about how much I love you and how proud of you I am and how I love being your mom.God blessed me the day you were born and I don't deserve you!
  

2012

People yelling

He loves to fish and he sits on that pond dam and fishes until I call him in. Shoes off and feet wet just the way he likes it. I can't help sitting out on the porch and watching him. This guy is such a blessing to me and our family.
He is the type of child that is eager to please and easy to love. Oh, the thankfulness that overwhelms me when I think about and re-tell the stories of how this child was the child of restoration for my life for our life.

Remembering the world yelling at me to stop having children....I stopped....

God used him in a mighty way to show me that I could trust Him. He taught me that even though I was unfaithful, He was always at work in my heart to bring me back to the place of allowing Him to give us as many children as He wanted.
We had the surgery and we used every last penny we had in our savings. We prayed for a miracle and we got more.
The people all yelling for us to not do this.
We didn't listen and we got him, we got Cooper and then we got Cullen and Chandler..and yes, we got William even though we won't see him again until heaven.
Take that Satan.
Where you wanted death, God brought life....I will no longer believe your lies or trust what you have to say...I will question everything......I will not believe anyone or anything except my precious Lord.
I will read His word and get my answers.

 We got a son that truly is a remarkable young man who loves the Lord. Every time I think about it I could go to my knees and cry and keep thanking the Lord for this brown eyed fisherman. Where would I be? Where would our family be without his kind spirit and helpful hands? We would be standing in regret for the rest of our lives over what we had done. The Lord was kind and even though our decision to reverse our vasectomy reversal didn't mean He, the giver of life, had to restore my womb but He did. Leaving me changed. Forever
leaving us a legacy of life after death.

He has given life to us at least 10 other times. Some of those precious children are with Him now. He chose for some of my children to never suffer or to ever question. I didn't get to hold them or look into their big brown eyes but I held them for weeks and sometimes months...and William I held for 31 weeks..When you're a mother you start holding them the minute you find out your expecting life.Oh, I don't regret the heart ache or the months of throwing up or the way each pregnancy changed my body or my life... I got to hold life..I will see my little brown eyed William again as well as the others and what a homecoming I will have when I kneel before the Lord and He raises His hands and our little babies coming running, singing and playing and I will see them all and get to hold them again. Get to smell their skin and do all the things that I didn't get to do here. I will look up and see my Father smiling at me. Oh. how I wish I could tell you the road has been easy but in fact it's been a battle. It's been a battle with family, friends, people off the street....but I'm on the front lines fighting because I believe life is better than death...and children are life. Don't listen to the world...don't listen to the people telling you that death is better than life. We are in a battle and it is one that is worth fighting for.  Life is precious, because God created us in His image, all life is precious, and the battle to preserve it at all costs is what I believe God demands of us as believers.

Blessings,
Robin
    

Attitudes of the Farm

My little troop is all different colors.

We have all kinds of attitudes to deal with in my troop and all kinds of training.

But God says, "Robin, train up your children in the way they should go and

 when they're old they won't depart from it".

That tells me I have sinful little children that need me to train them...for their future.

 Me a mom..

I have a huge job before me and everyday I must be ready to fight for and run after

my children.

We have attitudes to deal with and... this is just it....we all have attitudes.... it's just easier for me to pick up on others attitudes then it is for me to pick up on mine. I am a mother and if I know my sheep I know when attitudes are going down hill and I should deal with them quickly and swiftly. I do most of the time. Sometimes though I look at them and think how I must look to my Father. Arms crossed, eyes directed away from Him. I'm so thankful He knows me and comes running after me when I walk away. He is my good Shepherd.
...and I'm so thankful I am His sheep, He watches over me and brings me to green pastures. So I could do no less for my little girl...I run after her heart. I pull her into green pastures and I don't leave her.
I love her and when she shows me her heart and it's full of selfishness and is unloving and unkind I know I have a lot of work ahead of me...but I don't mind. I keep feeding her from God's word and God reminds me to keep training. Always Training..

"Train up a child in the way he should go"...and so I train for the future. I train my boys to love girls.

Their girls, like me and their sisters...because later in life if I have trained them to love us they will not depart from their training. I'm teaching them to love their wives now. Flowers, kisses, and symbols of love like opening car doors, grabbing a blanket for a cold sister.. learning to pray, teaching them to study God's word and then letting them do bible time for us. I'm training...them for the day that they will have their own home and wife.

 Oh mothers, don't let a day go by that you don't remember that future homes depend on you.

 God gave you marching orders...

and He gave you a little army, if He gave you children..

So train them for battle, train them for marriage,

train them to love God with all their heart, soul, and mind.

Blessings from the training field of the farm,

Robin

Taylor's Rolls

I love being in the kitchen when she tries something new.

Tonight she was making Julia Childs beef bourguignon.

She laughed and we giggled as she cut, sauteed and

cooked this incredible dinner for our family.

She is a friend to me.

She is a fantastic cook.
She loves the Lord.

She is funny and she can make a kitchen

smell down right fabulous. 

  ........
This is just wrong

Julia says you can't cook without the pearls and so she wears them..

and we laugh some more as the lightning bugs light up the yard

and I watch her make her homemade yeast rolls. 

Butter dripping and the kids are begging for just one bite.

Heck, I'm begging for just one bite.

So today we will share her famous recipe and let you smell up your kitchen.

Be prepared it's not for the faint of heart<3

Blessings from the farm,

Robin

  Homemade Yeast Rolls:
  Preheat oven to 350*.

 In a small bowl combine 2 1/4 teaspoon yeast with 1/2 cup warm water. Mix and set aside.
 In large mixing bowl add 1 stick softened butter (or heaping tablespoon of coconut oil), 2 tablespoons of sugar, 1 tablespoon salt, and 2 cups of warm water; stir and 1 1/2 cups of white flour mix and then add your choice of a remaining 2 to 3 cups of either white or wheat flour until a soft dough forms. It should be slightly sticky but not "wet". Cover and allow to rise for 30 mins. Grease cookie sheet and form rolls. Bake for 20-25 mins, brushing tops with butter before you pull them out of the oven. Enjoy!

 {posted from the archives}