The birth of Marlee Lynne

"Mama, they're every 10 minutes but I'm afraid to go to the doctor because I was just there and they will send me home."
"Taylor, you have to call and just tell them."
 "Okay I'll call."
.......

"They want me to come in and just be checked but I know they're gonna send me home."

So we pile up in cars, John's sweet mama is also there.
On the way to the hospital her contractions increase to every 7 mins right on the dot.  John and I look at each other through the rear view mirror... We both know this is it but she was still unconvinced.

  "Y'all don't be disappointed when they send me home."

 We continue to wind our way to the hospital and about 20 mins out the contractions are now 5 mins apart.  She is grabbing his hand and he has fingernail marks. We get to the office and they start asking her questions and they say, "well he's goingto check you before he goes and delivers another baby".
 Dr Mac says, "well Taylor these things happen to a first time mama. It feels so real and yet sometimes you just have to do this pre-labor stuff for a while."
She starts crying.  Dr Mac smiles and says "but this is not what's happening to you. You are in labor and you just pulled your ticket to go upstairs and see your baby."

Cheers from the room as Terry, John and I were wondering how we would have put her back in that car.

She asks "can they still send me home..?"

We all scream nooooo! Taylor you're gonna have this girl today!

  

We barely to get her up to the room and she says "I feel lots of pressure". The nurse said well put your gown on and I'll check you.

She had been 2cm for a few weeks and she had been two cm

just 20 mins before with the doctor, so when the nurse said you're 5cm we were all in shock.

Contractions were coming every 2 mins and they had not given her anything for pain. 

She was fighting through them in between texting her dad and talking to all of us.

  

Talking and dreaming about little Marlee

 Oh yeah I had to make sure the first thing my granddaughter saw was the red and white.

Roll Tide, Marlee Bird! 

(John and his entire family tree back to Noah are Auburn folks)

They checked her 30 mins later and she was 7cm. 

I had never seen such a fast labor. She was so brave and so in control. John was amazing and he never left her side one time.

Terry (John's mom) and I  would take turns looking at her contractions on the monitor and raise our eye brows and try and warn her one was coming or one was leaving.

At almost 8cm she got her epidural and was preparing to push.

So many things going on in the room. Nurses getting Marlee's bed ready, bright lights and doctor being called. It was time to push.

She was working so hard. But Marlee was face up in the birth canal and Taylor had to push, and it was a long and hard process but after 2.5 hours with Dr. Mac assisting, she delivered their beautiful 7lb daughter. Our grandbaby, the little girl that has changed our family. 

 The bridge to the next generation being built

~

Scott loves his little girl and even a crazy work schedule couldn't keep him away. He was there and he was very present. He hated to see her hurt. I'm so thankful that this man is my husband. The Lord gave me and my children such a gift in him and Marlee has the best Papa.         

She was battered and banged up pretty bad. She was weak and tired but she looked on at her daughter with the eyes of true love.

She is the sweetest thing (taylor)... She didn't complain much even though I knew the pain meds would wear off.. She didn't realize that at this point so I lived in that happy bubble with her.

:)

 She just kept saying this was all worth it. The 17 weeks of throwing up and laying in bed. The letting go of vanity for the sake of this baby. The letting go of dreams that newly married couples have and resting in the fact that the Lord has a bigger vision.  

  

 Doc Mac.
Words can't describe this man. He delivers our grandbaby and then goes to my daughter and kisses her and tells her how proud he is of her. Tears slide down her face and he lingers there..

I know he does this every day but he delivered one of my babies and it's kind of a family thing.

 I follow her around the room. I watch as they measure her and bathe her. She doesn't know me yet but I'm sure she will understand soon enough that she has a crowd of people that will love her and protect her and be there for her till.....just until forever.

She doesn't have to perfect. She doesn't have fit in because she is already in.   

John's mom is amazing. She and Bob (John's dad) live in Fl and can I just say she has been so good to my daughter. She has come along side and treated her like her own. Marlee is so loved!

I was there when she got her first shampoo. She loved it!!

John Lewis Porter, You are the man I thought you always to be.

 Your love and devotion to your wife and daughter is not natural.

It's super natural, as if God gave you an extra measure of love and kindness. You have been down a long road these past 9 months and I know right now you're saying "psssht, I didn't do anything, Taylor did it all" and Taylor couldn't have done anything without your constant presence of peace and strength.

I want 3 more of you for the other girls:)

I love you and I am grateful to the Lord for you.  

Marlee, I pray that you know the Lord early and that you see the

Lord in your family. We're not perfect little girl but remember God put you with all of us and we will treat you as the gift you are.

A precious gift.

May God continue to bless

The Porter Family.
I will love you forever,
Birdie

When The Farm seems too big

The farm has been a place of joy for me. I have lived here for 19 years and most of my growing has been on the grass of these fields. I have grown closer to the Lord and  almost all of my mothering growing has taken place here. So what happens when your children marry and you have an empty nest with seven other mouths to feed? How is that even possible?  There are no books on being the mother of many and having a hole the size of  Texas in your heart when change hits the fan. You also have no sympathy because after all you have a house full still. It's kind of  a lonely road to walk. You've packed boxes and moved her off. You've watched him walk the aisle and say I do and then come home to the bigness of it all. Everyone around you continuing with their life and me I'm just kinda sitting wondering what to do with the empty spaces in my house and heart. The change is startling for a family of homeschoolers. You work together, live together and stay together most hours of the day. There has been no transition for us and it went from 0-100  in a matter of a few months.


 What happens when the farm looks too big and he drives off everyday for work and I'm left standing trying to keep it all going? Trying to buckle down do more work and be stronger all the while dealing with my home feeling different and thinking to myself how in the world I could have prepared better.
One of the big deals for a large family is laundry and well that was Taylor's job. She loved doing laundry. That was her thing and since she has married we have had no socks and I'm ok with that. I have tried every laundry secret out there and well it just doesn't work for me. So I go buy bags of socks and bless them before I let them out of their bag because I know our home will be their demise.

I told Scott after Tucker got married it was a bit overwhelming and I might need a house keeper a day or two.He chuckled and said Robin you have plenty of help and right then and there he calls a meeting of the White house and all these little feet putter into my room. He was saying something about getting more serious and helping out more and writing a list when I slowly left the room. I went and found a spot on the steps and looked out across the field and felt small. Very small.

(my work force)

I knew things would have to change though when Scott my beloved came out of our closet with a towel wrapped around him asking "darling wife do you know where any of my underwear is?" and I said honey you gave the job of putting clothes up to our darling 4 year old's you might want to ask them. He smiled and said point taken. The clothes are everywhere and you might have to search other peoples drawers before you finally find something that belongs to you.  So we've learned to let go of having perfect laundry.

(he's such a funny man)

My yard has been cut by Tucker for the past 10 years. This was his job and he did it well. He knew my yard and oh to see the beauty after he had worked his magic on that lawnmower and to smell the fresh cut lawn made you happy. So when he married he hung up his keys to our lawnmower and now my yard looks more like the pasture. My crepe myrtles look more like a bush. But I walk past it all because right now in this season of change I have to keep moving and keep feeding people. Keep reminding myself that God can see me through the tall grass and the large loads of laundry. He understands the empty nest thing and how the letting go comes in waves and slowly takes you under and then brings you back up for air.

He reminds me that I won't be here forever and that things will hit a balance again. Change always

produces something and it's hard for a while but 

   He reminds me that marriage is a good thing and oh I'm so happy for them. Tucker, truly is one the happiest married men I know besides my hubby.. They amaze me and I'm thankful.    

and I'm gonna be a Birdie in a few weeks and I'll hold her and whisper in her ear how much

I love her and how thankful I am that she is my grand-baby. Thankful for the change she will bring

into my life.

 I'm sure I'll be doing Tay's laundry for a few weeks so I hope it turns out better than mine:)

I don't have much great advice on how to do all this except a great quote I read several times

a day to myself.

" Do not look forward to the changes and walk this life in fear. Rather, look to them with full hope

that, as the sun arises, God whose you are will deliver you out of them. He has kept you

hitherto. He has kept you to this point. Do hold fast to His dear hand and He will lead you safely through

all things. And when you cannot stand, (or do all the laundry or cut all the grass or be everything to everyone), He will bear you in His arms.

And When everything seems Big it's not a bad thing to feel small.   

love from the Farm,

Birdie 

The morning of

 The morning of Tucker's wedding we woke up on the beautiful Leegacy Farm in the heart of Tennessee.

The roosters were crowing and the chill in the air made you want to be outside walking on those dirt roads.

I gently tapped Scott and said you wanna walk with me? He said sure and off we went, talking about the spirit on this farm and this family. We had been so tired after the rehearsal dinner the night before so we were just going to stop by the big house and say hey before we retired for the night but being the Lee's they had company and everyone was piled in their busy kitchen washing dishes and the laughter could be heard through the screen door as we climbed the stairs.

We were weary

I was thirsty.   

We only meant to stay a minute but instead ended up staying close to two hours talking and laughing and catching up with our dear friends.

Somewhere between Cane creek and the dirt road we lose ourselves every-time in the beauty of the Lee's farm and, well the Lee's themselves.

 We were weary from a long day of travel and wedding prep and from the moment we drove up we had

hug after hug and tears. My tears as I realized the Lee's were growing up. Especially sweet Hannah.

I was refreshed with deep conversations and the best spring water this side of heaven.

We chatted about child raising, farm happenings and life in general.

All the while the guys were putting cows in pastures and girls crowded around tables talking about

Taylor's big belly and "how she met John" stories.

I didn't want to leave but we had a wedding the next day and I knew we must get off to bed

in the bunk house. We made pallets and climbed in beds and all the kids said 

I love it here. I do too I said. 

The bunk house is A cozy little place that happens to be beside the milking station.

So the next morning while the roosters were still crowing Channie Mae, ran outside to meet

Emily and Josh as they were bringing the Jerseys up to be milked.

She was in heaven right there in the middle of this farm.  

The Lee's don't ignore our smaller children In fact they go out of their way

to make sure all my children feel loved and cherished and I love that about them.  

The Kids learn something new every single time we go. They feel

special and in return they never ever want to leave. 

I want to wear the smile that Emily wears when Joe milks for the first time.

I want to be patient and kind and delightful. I want to have my front door open wide 

and say come and visit if you can. The hospitality is just overwhelming and all they offered was

a cool drink out of a tin cup. I took their offering and was refreshed. 

 No-one besides Channie much cares for milking but I made them all at least try.

Because sometimes you have to try new things and sometimes you need a push and I don't mind

doing the pushing.  

    

So just a few hours before my son said "I do" I was milking a cow. I actually sang to her 

while all my children watched. I had on Scott's gym shorts and I milked like I would never milk again,

All my Children were laughing as I sang 'oh my darling' including my son John .I want to be remembered

for milking cows on stressful days and singing to them. I want to push them to do new things because new things are sometimes the best things.

     

Josie milked with both hands and as the milk came flowing Emily gently said

Great job Josie.  

 Ellie was not so sure she needed milk ever again but she tried

and I was happy she did.

 Channie milked in a borrowed skirt and sat on a dirty bucket

and would have sat there all day long.

She snuggled deep under covers the night before and said I love it here

and I said I know Channie I do too.

So here we are in the middle of a farm in Tennessee before the sun has a chance to even yawn

and we're all laughing and milking a cow and my memory bank is full for a long time.

Some how we have to bring back our front porches. We have to bring back the simple art

of being able to invite ourselves by just to say hello and end up staying for a couple of hours 

and being encouraged to continue on  the different path of doing things different.

Teaching our children to invest in the lives of those who come a knocking and always having a cup of refreshing water and a smile.

And we're all in

I'm finally an older woman. 

I'm that woman that I always wanted to find. You know, the one who has been through life and knows about life and lived to tell about it and is willing to share about it.

Today I want to share how all this letting go and stuff is hard.

How some days it doesn't even feel like my house, much less my life.

My nest is getting smaller and while I feel kinda like wait how did this all happen, I keep reminding myself

that this is in fact the work that I have been doing for the past 21+ years.

Working on getting my nest smaller.

So, I guess the biggest question I've been getting as of late is how? How are you getting your older kids married? Well, the Lord certainly has been gracious and He has been so sweet to send us some wonderful spouses for Taylor and now Tucker but it truly is an answered prayer.

Scott was reading to me about a bible study he was doing in the book of 1 Samuel . And Hannah was the main focus.

 Sweet Hannah.

 She wanted a baby so much and yet couldn't have one and she prayed

and God heard her. I love that He heard her. I mean do we pray that our prayers storm past the gates

of heaven and right to the throne room of our Savior?  Where he cocks his head and raises a hand and says "wait Hannah is praying again".

   

She basically said, Lord please give me a child and I will give him back.

and she had a baby boy.

  

so I'm sure she nursed him and diapered him and clothed him and sang to him.

I'm sure she worried over him when he was sick.I'm sure she lay next to him and

and said thank you Lord at least a million times.

That's not in the bible, but we're a lot alike me and Hannah, and I did that with all my babies

so I'm sure she did too.

But when it was time to give him back to the Lord she did.

She opened her fist and layed him at the feet of her Savior. She finished

what she set out to do.

 She kept her promise to the Lord and she was found faithful. 

and I love her for that example

because I have to tell you that I have prayed for a child. I have stormed the gates

of Heaven and I'm not ashamed to admit I begged God for all these babies 

and like Hannah I'm sure somewhere in all that begging I said I would let them go

and give them back when it was time. 

But that was years right and years take well

years....

and I needed to speak to Hannah when God told me it was time to let Taylor go.

I needed her example and her bravery and I needed her strength.

and when my years with Taylor and Tucker came up I emptied myself.

I couldn't believe it was time. I thought about the time. I even tried to prepare myself and yet when it's 

time your heart is never really ready. But like Hannah, I whispered through the years

I'm doing God's work. I'm training Her/Him for the Lord.

and when God said let go

I have plans to grow My kingdom

I didn't hold on.

I cried, yes.

I missed the way my home felt when they were all there, yes.

I wondered if I forgot anything, yes.

I try and hold on to memories of thumb sucking toddlers who

use to sleep in my bed, yes.

  but   

I have 6 more promised to the Lord

I have much work ahead of me. I promised Him. I plan on doing my end of the bargain.

It's hard work though. I know what I'm doing now. I know I'm emptying my nest and my heart

as I teach and train. I look at them and wonder what service they will find doing for the Lord.

But like Hannah I just keep my eyes fixed at the task at hand.

I do my work that the Lord has set out before me.

like, 

three guys to teach before the Lord says ok let me have him back.

It's never easy but I pray that I can be like Hannah. Strong and brave

and dependable with what is His. We talk marriage a lot around here and I believe that is one reason

both Taylor and Tucker married early. People laugh at one of our sons. The tall guy in the back.

So Coop, what do you want to do when you get older and he clears his throat and says

I want to be married when I'm 18.

There is no doubt in my mind that he probably will be. We save our money so that we can help them start a business or build a house. We plan. We are trying to leave our children an inheritance and so that doesn't look very good for our retirement fund or my old people home. We just invest our time, energy, and yes money into the future. We are not selfish with what the Lord has let us borrow. 

You can't be if you're investing in something.

We teach on the future. We do bible studies on marriage and what it takes to be married.

We keep our guys around men who love marriage.

We don't watch t.v. shows that degrade marriage.

We teach them that to be married is a gift.

A wonderful beautiful gift and they know it's true.

and I know it's true.

So we invest,

 And we're all in.  

Just in case you have ever wanted an older woman in your life, pull up a chair, flip your Bible open to 1Samuel  and read about Hannah.

Blessings from the farm.

Slaying the dragons in our life

.
For the past four years we have made our way down I95s to a beautiful island right outside of St Augustine Fl. The oldest city in the United States.
 The van packed with happy kids and adult kids and all their "stuff". Our minds remembering every little detail of the past 3 years and looking forward with great fondness to the memories that will be made this trip. Every-time we pull up to our beach house on the island, nestled just steps away from the oceans floor, time stands still. The sand that lays outside our house is quite familiar after 4 years. The ocean waves create a stillness in us that dares us to leave everything behind and for 7 days we do. Every year before we leave the island Cullen will sit and write out letters to me for us to find next year and I slowly take the picture off my bedroom wall, the one with the beach and the cute little houses, and I lay it across my bed and easily slide his love letters down in the back.Until next year.

 So the first thing we do when we drive up is listen as Cullen goes and finds his secret time capsule from the year before and we read them and always remark at how well his handwriting has gotten. It's almost always the same thing. A big sloppy heart and I love you mom and dad and I wonder when he will forget to do this and I will pull that picture with the ocean and the houses off my wall and find it empty.

The house is situated on the island at the end of a 4 mile stretch and in a tiny neighborhood. It gives you the feel of home. If you don't stop at the one little stop sign the neighbors will call the police, and the  policeman will wait for you and give you a stern talking to. We leave our doors unlocked because most of the time we forget as we're all piled up in our bedroom watching the latest super hero movie, but even if I wanted to lock that glass door looking out over the beach I couldn't. The locks have been broken for the past 2 years. We have to sit in the dark sometimes because there will be a note on our door telling us that mama turtles have been seen making their way up out of the ocean to lay their eggs, and our light would confuse her so we sit in the darkness.
There is one grocery store on the island and we buy our favorite food and push all the available tables together and have every single meal there..Just like home. We hold hands and bow our heads and give thanks.

When I lay in our bed for the first time on that first night I always tell Scott how much I missed this bed. I still have a pallet of kids at the foot and the ocean sounds lull me deep. In the morning opening the door to three huge windows and the sun smiling at you over the bed of the sea. I always get surprised by her beauty.

The path to the beach is a worn sand path with little cactus briers that find their way into our feet as we walk down so the little girls have to be carried on someones shoulders or hip. They're bigger now, I whisper that I probably won't have to do this next year, that is carry them over the briers.

We sit in the same place and put the same chairs out with the big blue umbrella and over 100 castle building equipment, because every year Scott sits right down in the middle of the sand and calls all of them out to see who can build the best and biggest sand castle.It's like calling out the war call if you have male blood running in your family. They work for hours on their master pieces and then they want me to judge. Although he always wins they're giving him a run for his money lately. His extra points with me being the judge always sends him over by just a little.    

He always gets them together and says Lets go slay some dragons and they make their way to the shore and pretend they have swords and start hitting the waves. He tells them stories of dragons living way out in the ocean and they are stomping their feet and we have to stop their waves before they get on shore. He's just cool like that.

 I sit back in my chair and count 1-2-3-4-5-6 over and over looking for any sign of distress.

I'm just cool like that.

I have sat in the same place and mourned the loss of Tom Lee and his precious family and our friends The Crawfords who lost their home that year. Tears fell and we almost didn't go but the ocean has a way of reminding you who's in charge. I have sat  under the same umbrella and helped my teenage daughter sort through all her feelings and watched her grow up with the ocean at her feet.

This year a woman and she brings her husband and my grand-baby and we talk baby stuff and dream about next year and how Marlee will be almost a year old Lord willing. I have watched Tucker bring the love of his life to our island and propose in almost the exact same spot that 2 years before Scott and I exchanged our renewal wedding vows with flowers and candles and lots of tears. He now gets on one knee and asks and she said yes! He had asked me to be there to take pictures and of course I wouldn't miss it and neither would the rest of the crew as they all snuck out and circled them and then we prayed. Another beautiful memory...

" It's all those things, and something else, the something that our family becomes when we are there." We;re the best version of our family there, relaxed and connected and without agenda or schedule.We have conversations that unfold lazily and resolve over days instead of minutes. We tell stories that everyone's already heard, and it doesn't bother us, because we have nothing else to do. We're irresponsible, and we make up plans as we go, and we've been going there long enough to have patterns just like worn spots in carpet. Patterns that have become traditions. things you do without thinking that feel familiar and meaningful."  I read that out of a book called Cold Tangerines... 

As you make your way to the light and if you turn left it will dump you out on the island where there is a park with a huge carouse,l bright and beautiful, and the music can be heard through the windows of your car. It stands under the old Augustine trees in memory of children who have passed on. A beautiful place bustling with life but at your feet little bricks with hand written letters from the parents and grandparents of those angels. A holy place. We stand and pay our dollar and find a horse that moves and the wind and the music and the laughter and smell of the salt water makes you never want to get off. I remember my own angel and wish I could put a brick in the soil for him. This place is for William. My prince whom I shall never forget even on vacation.

I believe that our family vacations have played an important role in building strong family ties. Yes, it's expensive and yes it's always gonna be, but you know what? We all get to choose how we spend our money and we choose this. My home is in need of repairs, I'll be honest, but my kids are all growing up and so we have chosen this day to save our money for our big vacation every year. There is not enough money in the world to buy what I live on, on that island for those 7 days. Find you a place to explore and call your own. We don't own that house on the island we rent it every year but it's home to us and I wonder when they look back years later will they remember that our walls needed painted or our bathroom needed up-dated, or will they tell my grand babies how they slayed dragons in the ocean and went to every single thrift store on the island looking for cool memory makers? How one year we made Shirley temples until midnight, how we fought over the towels and hot water after along day on the beach. I wonder if Cullen will remember that we walked till the beach ended and we stood and looked out over the ocean with the wind pushing us but we stuck our faces in the wind and held out our arms and breathed.

 May 2014