Thursday, August 7, 2014

When The Farm seems too big

The farm has been a place of joy for me. I have lived here for 19 years and most of my growing has been on the grass of these fields. I have grown closer to the Lord and  almost all of my mothering growing has taken place here. So what happens when your children marry and you have an empty nest with seven other mouths to feed? How is that even possible?  There are no books on being the mother of many and having a hole the size of  Texas in your heart when change hits the fan. You also have no sympathy because after all you have a house full still. It's kind of  a lonely road to walk. You've packed boxes and moved her off. You've watched him walk the aisle and say I do and then come home to the bigness of it all. Everyone around you continuing with their life and me I'm just kinda sitting wondering what to do with the empty spaces in my house and heart. The change is startling for a family of homeschoolers. You work together, live together and stay together most hours of the day. There has been no transition for us and it went from 0-100  in a matter of a few months.

 What happens when the farm looks too big and he drives off everyday for work and I'm left standing trying to keep it all going? Trying to buckle down do more work and be stronger all the while dealing with my home feeling different and thinking to myself how in the world I could have prepared better.
One of the big deals for a large family is laundry and well that was Taylor's job. She loved doing laundry. That was her thing and since she has married we have had no socks and I'm ok with that. I have tried every laundry secret out there and well it just doesn't work for me. So I go buy bags of socks and bless them before I let them out of their bag because I know our home will be their demise.

I told Scott after Tucker got married it was a bit overwhelming and I might need a house keeper a day or two.He chuckled and said Robin you have plenty of help and right then and there he calls a meeting of the White house and all these little feet putter into my room. He was saying something about getting more serious and helping out more and writing a list when I slowly left the room. I went and found a spot on the steps and looked out across the field and felt small. Very small.

(my work force)
I knew things would have to change though when Scott my beloved came out of our closet with a towel wrapped around him asking "darling wife do you know where any of my underwear is?" and I said honey you gave the job of putting clothes up to our darling 4 year old's you might want to ask them. He smiled and said point taken. The clothes are everywhere and you might have to search other peoples drawers before you finally find something that belongs to you.  So we've learned to let go of having perfect laundry.

(he's such a funny man)

My yard has been cut by Tucker for the past 10 years. This was his job and he did it well. He knew my yard and oh to see the beauty after he had worked his magic on that lawnmower and to smell the fresh cut lawn made you happy. So when he married he hung up his keys to our lawnmower and now my yard looks more like the pasture. My crepe myrtles look more like a bush. But I walk past it all because right now in this season of change I have to keep moving and keep feeding people. Keep reminding myself that God can see me through the tall grass and the large loads of laundry. He understands the empty nest thing and how the letting go comes in waves and slowly takes you under and then brings you back up for air.

He reminds me that I won't be here forever and that things will hit a balance again. Change always
produces something and it's hard for a while but 

   He reminds me that marriage is a good thing and oh I'm so happy for them. Tucker, truly is one the happiest married men I know besides my hubby.. They amaze me and I'm thankful.    

and I'm gonna be a Birdie in a few weeks and I'll hold her and whisper in her ear how much
I love her and how thankful I am that she is my grand-baby. Thankful for the change she will bring
into my life.
 I'm sure I'll be doing Tay's laundry for a few weeks so I hope it turns out better than mine:)

I don't have much great advice on how to do all this except a great quote I read several times
a day to myself.

" Do not look forward to the changes and walk this life in fear. Rather, look to them with full hope
that, as the sun arises, God whose you are will deliver you out of them. He has kept you
hitherto. He has kept you to this point. Do hold fast to His dear hand and He will lead you safely through
all things. And when you cannot stand, (or do all the laundry or cut all the grass or be everything to everyone), He will bear you in His arms.

And When everything seems Big it's not a bad thing to feel small.   

love from the Farm,


Kelly Crawford said...

*heart* I'm almost right there, and I can't tell you what to do about your laundry, or the hole in your heart, but I can tell you that all this change for you has brought blessing to me, as you walk with me with compassion and understanding. God's works it all for His glory...thank you for letting Him.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this post. I needed it. I have four siblings getting married this year--two of my brothers, and two of my sisters! I almost feel like a second mom to my two "little" sisters. There is a large age gap between me and them (9 years and 7 years), and I have kind of "mothered" them. Since I have seven little children of my own, they have spent a LOT of time at my house helping out. Almost every weekday I had one of them over here. I feel like I'm losing my daughters. They are both marrying guys from Alaska, and will be moving up there! It is a huge adjustment, that is for sure, and I am really struggling. Thanks for sharing!
~Katie Johnson

Rachel said...

Once again, you touched me.
Thank you. May God bless you as well.

Karen Sue said...

I could not have written this part of my life. The oldest living away with his girlfriend and working hard but not seeing him much as he does his life. My second living at home during a gap year and enjoying her here but sensing an engagement in the near future for her. My third struggling in his second college. Who would think that this is where we'd be right now. Only one remaining in high school and my heart hurting for each in their own ways

Karen Sue said...

Oops add-on- so understanding where you are and how the grown up children never grow out of our hearts or our wingspan as momma birds with our chicks. Some people are wired different as are some kids and number four`s independence will make the adjustment there be somewhat different. Hang in there. I think our hearts are just getting ready to stretch and these are our growing pains.


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