Thankful to be in the race

Dear Lord, You have made me a strong woman yet given me a heart to have compassion.The work you are doing in my life is slowly being uncovered. I'm selfish and my heart cries out for it's own way. Please forgive me.

You, Father, have done so much for me. You have given me enough blessings for a thousand women. A sound mind, a beautiful piece of earth to raise my family on and lots of children to share my few breaths with on this earth. Why can't it be enough? Why must my mind drift to what ifs and more? Why must I, like a child who grows tired of their toys, grow tired and want more gifts when the gifts before me are so numerous I can't count them?

I feel a slowing down of my mind for once in my life. No need to hurry about. Stopping to enjoy the intentional gifts You have put in my life. I realize that the gifts and the blessings are numerous. I just have to uncover them. Like the many animals here on the farm. Cats, chickens, cows and the mischievous 3 little pigs who refuse to stay in their padlock and uncovered 1/4th of the dark soil in my front yard. My face surprised as I saw the tilled up earth.Turning my thoughts to the farmers in the old days who loved the pigs tilling ability and who depended on it. Even though I can't think of a thing that I can plant that would make that place look beautiful right now, I wait for spring and the new growth of grass and somehow turn that tilled up earth into thanksgiving.   

I'm thankful for the son that seemed to grow up right before my eyes.The one that holds that place of being first. Being the first son to slip into my life. The little boy who made me worry when in his first weeks of life he struggled to be here. The little boy who made me question if I really loved his father more and realizing I really did love his father more, but only by a little. The little boy knees that were in my back as he slipped into my covers in the darkness of the morning. The little boy who has treated me way better than I ever imagined as he has became a man. My heart swells with a mothers love when I see him dreaming and preparing for his future. 

I'm thankful for a race, that I was not fully prepared for but a little girl that had been training all summer chose to run with me and root for me and tell me that I could do it. I tried to get her to go on.....to finish and do well but she grabbed my hand and said "mom, I'm staying with you". The tender mercies of a sweet daughter with a toothless grin who, in this moment in time, is not embarrassed to run the race with her mom or afraid to come in last if she has to (thankfully we didn't come in last :).

The moments of motherhood are being lived out everyday around me.The tiniest of blessings being overlooked if I don't watch for them and record them in my mind.  

Remembering that some days are easier and lots of days are hard but like Paul, I'm just thankful to be in the race of motherhood.

Hebrews 12:1: 

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us. "

Dear Diary,

I did the whole pumpkin patch thing today, this time in the pasture on the other side of the pond. It's getting to be where I would never leave this place. This earth that holds all that's dear to me.

I piled the kids up in the old red truck and slowly made my way across the property. I had already went and bought pumpkins and set them in the field so when we got there they were super excited. I glanced over at William's grave and for a moment I wondered what his little tow headed self would have looked like running for a pumpkin?

I can't help thinking that my life and my children's lives are going by way too fast. The ordinary has passed for my older two. They are thinking of bigger things than pumpkins and I'm left with a picture with two of my babies missing from it. I'm not sad because when your prayers are answered concerning certain things it's a blessing, but there's still change and with change it seems to always be hardest with me. I don't know, I don't do change very well, Lord. I like the everyday..... cook, clean, school, the trips to walmart and the library. But real, honest to goodness, change takes me a while. As the clock ticks in my life I like change less and less.

sigh....

 



 Oh, the moments slip right through. I seriously looked at her boots today and thought,

 "next year it will be another pair and then one day her boot days will pass and she will move on to something else".

Note to self: Keep those boots. I don't want her to out grow them.

 I love seeing her slip those boots on and run to check for baby rabbits.

No teeth and a tangle full of hair..and no baby rabbits today. 

The little ones growing up right before my eyes. What can I do to make sure they know how I feel about them? What emotions come over me when I see her smiling into the same camera that once held a little girls smile the same way? That little girl grew up and she never looked back like I do.
I can still see her heaving a heavy pumpkin into the backseat of my car with a grand smile on her face.

 

Years later I live in deja vu....

 



Oh, Lord... help me. I'm doing the only thing I've ever loved. I'm doing the only thing I know. How do I go to the next step? How do I parent when I don't know what the next step holds?  The one thing I, as a mother, am supposed to do was.. and is.. to teach them to love the next thing. Help me also Lord to love the next thing.

 

 The next step..

 

Now I must do the next thing and to be honest, some days I just want them all small again.

  

 But...

I'll do pumpkins and I'll do candied apples. We'll bob for apples and laugh when they get water up their noses just like Tucker did.  I'll take really cute pictures and all the while I'll remember I've done it all before. I just have to remember they haven't. I have to redo it all so they will have the memories. So I'll have the memories.
 
They too will continue their growing and I will continue my journey waiting until it's my time to pass the baton to the very last one. I feel myself changing so much, how could I expect the winds of change not to reach them?

 The breeze grabbed her hair and sunbeams danced through the trees. I snapped pictures and laughed and enjoyed this pumpkin day more than the rest I believe. Because as I looked around two were missing and I know it will only be a matter of time until pumpkin day is a memory held only on these pages for them to go back and laugh at. Does everyone parent like this? I do believe I'm crazy. Every moment an opportunity to express my love as if at any moment that opportunity could be snuffed out. I live within myself with the motto no regrets. I don't want any! So I live on high alert. I must be crazy. Yes, I believe I am. I'm trying with the Lord's help to change a generation of regrets.
    

sigh...

 

 

 No regrets when their faces light up just by carrying a pumpkin





 

 no regrets in making sure they remember 

 

no regrets in buying pumpkins and hiding them in the field in the tall grass of the pasture

no regrets with a little browned eyed girl who loves her cowgirl boots.

no regrets to having open doors

 

 no regrets with crazy boys that sit on the land that holds generations of their ancestor's memories

 

 

 

I must go cook supper and read Go Dog Go again..I have actually memorized that book.

I must put my apron on and sing and dance to the music in my kitchen.

I must pick up crying little girls with bumped knees, check math problems, take the old red truck out for the sunset, set the table and kiss my man when he comes home and all the while

keep the biggest secret ever.....

They're all growing up and one day pumpkins won't be such a big deal to them either.

 

So today while pumpkins still make them giggle I will giggle with them.

 

Pumpkin Day 2012 

 

A wedding

It was simple, quaint and beautiful. A small lake wedding, a grandfather doing the marrying, a girl behind the lens of her camera

and a mom with lots on her mind. 

  

I loved working along side her and I loved watching her with camera in hand as she tried for that perfect shot.

Are you tired of parenting? Do you feel as though you'll never get it right?
or live through it?

Let me encourage you to stay on the course that is set before you.

Yes, it's hard some days but if you can imagine your little ones all grown up one day and your days of parenting them gone, it will help you keep your job as mom

in prospective. I marvel at where our time went with Taylor and Tucker.
I did not blink.
I kept looking at the hands of time and knew this was all just temporal.
It still shocks you though when you realize that it's almost over.

I was with them every step of the way and yet I think I missed something because

it seems as if over night they grew into adults.

I'm glad I have no regrets. The time I get them now is a bonus sort of. She will marry a fellow and he will marry a sweet gal someday and when they do I'll be ready ( or at least I keep telling myself that)  because I have walked this road of their life with them every step of the way and I know that step will be just as beautiful.

I will not blink as I send them off to start their own family either.
I will stand beside them and support them on their journey.  

  

 There are years in parenting that you honestly believe you'll be in overdrive mode forever and the frustration mounts and you don't handle them gently. You crave free time and time away to only wish you had it all back when you grow old. When you're sitting on your front porch looking at an empty yard. When you're buying grorceries for just 2 or 3.
You will miss the times when you can sleep deep because they're all tucked in and under your roof. 

 But you trade in your already borrowed time for some useless something and then you blink and they're grown. So many parents are left wondering,

"what if I would have done something different?"
 Now, we all know that God is sovereign and nothing you do will change His plan.

But so many trade hours of their time to be away from the few hours they have with their children. 

I'm so thankful that I didn't blink. I savored every single moment with this daughter/son of mine. We shared our days in homeschooling, hours and minutes and what seems strange to the outside world was a mixing of our souls that will never be unmixed.

A monumental amount of memories that will carry me through my old age.
When I sit in my rocking chair I'll have a smile on my face because I soaked up every single part of them. I was not and am not a perfect mama...I have and have had bad days but it's the getting up after bad days remembering what my mission on this earth is and I kinda hope/pray my swings will be filled with lots of grandbabies;)

So as they venture out and start their jobs and I'm able to share in their adult
world it's a bitter sweetness.

This weekend I watched her work and realized that this arrow is sharp and the time to launch her is close.

So for now I'll enjoy my bonus time with both of them.

Enjoy your children and don't blink.

talking about my girls..

Waking up with barely a cup of coffee in me, I stumble upon this little splash of sunshine on my little girls. I love the sun and I love the way she makes me notice. Notice their legs and how long they've gotten lately. How their clothes are warm to the touch and how inviting our breakfast table looks with the sunbeams laying on top.

The sun..last night we took a ride across the pasture to watch her go down and it was the most beautiful sunset I think I've ever witnessed. We sat there until she fell deeper and deeper into the bottom of the earth. All the kids yelling, "no Sun don't leave-- not yet!" and their faces lit up as she disappeared and I told her goodnight and we'd see her in the morning... I drove back with faces smiling in my rear view mirror as we all knew we just witnessed something special. A gift. 

I also love the light from the 3 little candles that stood  on top of their farm birthday cake. It glows in their eyes and I honestly can't believe they're 3 already. Totally potty trained which I thought would never happen..:) and obsessive about their pink cowgirl boots. They put them in front of their beds and we have to slowly take them off at night with promises of putting them on again in the morning.

Yes, ummm her pants are on backwards..she dressed herself

I can't write a post about all my girls without mentioning Rosebud. Her beautiful eyes watch me as I walk this farm and I never ever could believe the beauty and love that I could have for a cow.

  

and for cowgirl boots on a fence I'm just saying

and my two best cow hands;)Just kidding guys..Yes, Channie is dressed like an Egyptian?? You learn not to ask..

Yep, the daylight keeps us busy and the daylight keeps me

noticing the everyday beauty all around me.The clothes on the line blowing in the wind. The fresh baked bread and the smell of fall.

 Thank you Lord for letting us live here. Thank you for letting my children grow up in the lush green pastures and beautiful sunsets that we call our home on this farm. And thank you for these amazing girls in my life and the privilege of working along side them while the sun is up.

My ponderings

I read the following words this morning:

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven;

Eccl. 3: 1-10

Joy is so hard to come by these days. It's seems as though everyone, myself included, complains about the very things that prepare us and grow us in our walk through this foreign land.

This land is foreign we seem to forget we're strangers here only passing through and yet we settle in thinking this is our world.

The days of our lives are in the hands of God. The sleepless nights with crying babies are from the hands of our Lord. The grace to keep silent when I want to scream is only there because He helped me. When I don't do what I know I should do He's not surprised. He is God and He knows. I hide from him like Eve hid from Him in the garden but He calls to me. He knows what I've done and He wants me to come stand before Him.   

We all want control and we fight for it like a fish fights the line of a hook and bait but ultimately the results of all our endeavors are completely in the hands of God.

It's comforting somehow to know that this very morning and this very day has been ordained by my Father. I can rest. I can smile when things seem overwhelming or frustrating. It is a season but I'm slowly learning that it's not the season necessarily, it's what I learn during the season that matters.

Praise You this day

The Heartbeat

I always intend to love like it's the last time but the running around and busyness gets me. Its stops me and I end up letting moments of someone elses life slip by unnoticed

and therefore giving up my right to ever revisit that smile or that moment in time when she exhaled.

I know that I and all my precious children and husband have but

moments on this soil, on this farm, in this world and I don't want to miss one simple heartbeat.

Therefore choosing to live this day in the midst of the heartbeats of all that I love. 





Photo Credit

The Twins

The Twins

September 19, 2012

Happy Birthday 

The point of view of my life living with these two crazy 3 year olds is

just amazing. I never expected them you know? I was planning on something

different for my life. Maybe a little boy with blonde hair and brown eyes like

his brothers but in his stead I get two energetic twins who have done more than I ever thought possible to show me God's glory and His grace.

I don't deserve them in the least. And I guess that's why I remind myself often

that The Lord didn't have to wrap them up and deliver them to our door, my door.

I'm undeserving.

They are beautiful and they are full of life.

They are daughters of the King and I feel like Mary sometimes.

Why me Lord? It is a pleasure and a joy to carry your daughters.

I watch them grow and I am reminded of their birth mom.

They have her sweet smile.

They smile a lot.

They also cry a lot. They're emotional and play off each other like two wild cats.

They're dramatic with their love with their boo-boos, with anything that touches their world.  

They're slightly bow-legged and one of them stutters when she

talks.They wake up in the middle of the night and sneak in bed with

their sister. She says she doesn't mind because one day they will not rustle covers and put cold feet on her. One runs her bare feet down long black hallways

to her brothers room and sleeps with him. He doesn't mind. 

They suck their thumbs and rub their belly-buttons at the same time.

They cry when you do their hair and love cowboy boots?!

They walk this farm with me and cry at every single ant bed they see and

cow patties send them into hysterics. Bugs of any origin are not their friend.

They study people and will not go to anybody they don't feel comfortable around.

They're not shy, just cautious. I like that about them now. I used to let it worry me

or get upset with them because they didn't greet everyone with a hug but

the Lord has taught me through this that they are who He made them and they

know who they like to be around.

 One loves to cook (Ellie) and the other (Josie) loves to help clean.      

They go together so easily it makes you want to be a twin.

It makes you want to be in their world because their language is so much cooler than ours. They understand each other.

They burp at the same time. Go to the bathroom at the same time and often say

the same thing at the same time. They love Alabama football.

They will sit through the entire game yelling and pulling for the Tide.

 My kind of girls.

Ellie was looking out the window and Taylor whispered,

"whatcha thinking about?"

She said, "my birthday cake".

It makes you want to run out and buy the biggest cake ever.

So we did.

We are celebrating their life and we are celebrating our life with them in it.

I whisper, "Thank you Lord for 3 beautiful years!"

Day's end.

There is a moment in my day when the light is perfect. The sun comes streaming through my little piece of heaven, glistening on mailboxes and letters written by my best friend/oldest daughter. That sun...she shines on skin and my plants and I walk into her every morning, eyes squinting but knowing my way on the path.

The sun coming and making her way into my morning as I sip my coffee and holding babies. I want to be like her (the sun) bringing light into a dark world. Teaching, loving, light bringing to my children. Making their world sparkle and glisten. I want them to recognize God everywhere. In the sunset, in the sunrise, in the rain. I want them to love looking through their world and loving the view regardless. I know I do. 

There is a moment in my day when I drop everything and grabbing keys to my old farm truck and loading the crowd of squealing kids and driving around the sun sparkling farm and watch her leave for the day. Watching the wind blow their hair and watching their faces as the sun dips into her glitter bucket one last time for the day and painting them a nice golden glow color. That is my favorite part of the day, in that old truck. Window rolled down driving through hay fields. Simple living..drinking from jars, an old one eye dog who lives with us and trees that are climbed everyday.
And the Sun.  

Coming home and racing to the house and they all make me promise to do it again tomorrow. I pinky promise I'll take you to the sun again and let you tell her goodnight. If you pinky promise not to grow tired of driving around in the back of my old pickup. They all promise they won't but we all know they will and I'll be taking that old truck up hay fields by myself one day and saying goodnight to the sun and looking in the back and remembering that this was my favorite part of the day.  

Heavy Flowers

I sit and swing and watch her as she handles the heavy flowers. The beautiful flowers.

She gets wet as she runs to bring them back to cover. I try to tell her that getting rained on is a good thing for the flowers but she being Ellie, needs to bring them in. 

 I have been so busy lately just trying to do all the things that need to be done that I have

forgotten that the rain during the hard times is good for me. The rain produces deep roots

that fair well in strong winds. I remember this.

Little flowers never worry when the rain begins to blow

because if it never ever rained then they would never ever grow.

The strongest storms bring to life the most beautiful flowers.

Your strongest trial will bring to life the most beautiful of you.

Hard to believe. 

Parenting is difficult but you must travel the path and when that day comes

when you look back, you will wish that you could go back and do things differently.

Our children like people who like them.

Our children are drawn to the people who love them in their life.

Children are simple like that.

They smile at me, they hug me. They love being around me.

I love them and they KNOW it. 

I believe parents overreact and don't stop and realize

that a boy who jumps and rolls and fidgets is just being a normal boy. Don't shame him and yell at him or get frustrated with him.

 Love him because if you don't you will one day wish you did.

Because one day that little boy will find someone who loves him for just being him

and he will leave you and he will not return to a bitter heart.

We're just human like that we stay around those who make us feel

good and who take the time to find out who we are underneath it all.

We tend to think that our children will not notice us not loving them 

by constantly nagging and yelling at them. Our kids know who's face

lights up when they walk in the room. We have to stop and accept them for who

God made them and then love them as God commanded us to.  

Love thy neighbor as thy self.

 Love.

I know the times are racing and the troubles thick but if you need to

reevaluate your life and decide what it is that is causing you to sin against your

neighbor then you must do that quickly.

Your neighbor is that little blonde headed boy that

pokes his feet in your back when he sleeps with you.

Your neighbor is that little girl who refuses to take a nap or the little

guy with the upset stomach.

Your neighbor as a mom should be your children.

I'm surrounded by neighbors and learning to love when love seems

hard or impossible is humbling. When you go before the Lord because

you have no friends who understand and you lay at His feet and he 

gently catches each tear and puts them in a bottle.

When you ride out a storm and you look around for just one person

to ride that storm out with you and you see only judgmental people

through the rain you cry out to the maker, the one who calms the seas and

He will give you direction.  

I sip my hot tea and listen to the rain and wait for her.

I wait for her to bring in all the beautiful flowers and when she's

not looking I put them back out so they can grow.

Love hard today.... breathe deep and look out across it all and

choose to love them just because

God said to.