and the rain came and washed everything new again.
When their wet bodies were screaming and laughing and clean
from the downpour I realized that they had grown.
The tiny drops of wetness had cleared the dust away to open my eyes
and remind me that when the blankets of winter are taken off they revealed
growth. Growth in myself and much growth in my gangly children.
The busyness of cooking and cleaning and taking care of the needs of this farm
try to steal away moments from me. Big moments or little moments..they're my moments to steal and I refuse to let go.
I find it harder to keep focused on the most important.
The little day to day smiles or hugs.
The tiny footprints that leave a trail that I should be following.
The bigger always making you feel so little.
Torn between the task and the moment.
I want the moment
I remember when I was having William and they moved me into this huge room that could have held three mourning pregnant women but I was pushed into that room so vast and I remember thinking, I just want a hole.
A small hole to curl up in and be able to calm my thoughts and hear His voice and yet no one stops and thinks that one who is empty needs a small space so that it doesn't take much to fill that emptiness.
Our world needing to be downsized so we're not afraid to look around.
We know that all the important things will get done if we downsize.
Sometimes when this huge world calls and you start looking around
at how much space there is to fill you need a hole. You need to go back home
and keep life simple. You need to be able to see the beauty that is around you not try and find beauty in a BIG world where you feel so small.
I'm staying closer to my husband lately. I don't know how we got to this new intimate place of me needing him more and more. I guess it's the marriage conferences and the eating out at our favorite restaurant every week. Sitting at our favorite booth and ordering the same food and holding hands and praying over our little part of this big world. Him coming home early because he doesn't want to be away from us. Spending more hours than ever just soaking him in and enjoying my role as his wife. I hear the stories and see the couples who are not making it and it makes me cling tighter to him. How did we make it? How did we come out stronger after 21 years? How come I'm more in love with him now than 10 years ago? We're just a couple. We have problems and we have lots of distractions to keep us away from each other.
The answer: we created a hole. A small space we could function in and keep the world out.
We made our personal world smaller. We took out all of the junk and left only the little small space that wasn't hard to fill. The world tries to pull you in. Sports, church events, problems, cell phones, computers, and every other good thing calls out to you and calls out to your children. We realized that we couldn't do it all nor did we want to. If we're going to be remembered for something then let it be said we were lovers of Christ, faithful to each other and our role as parents. Anything that distracted us from that was wrote down and determined if it was worth keeping.
We just stopped the noise.
We stopped cluttering up our small world.
We stopped the difficult people from being able to speak into our family.
We all know we have difficult people that make your world seem huge and confusing.
our hole is perfect for us. We're able to train up the way in which our children should go..a promise to us by our Father.
We're able to be faithful to each other and to the beautiful children the Lord has
asked us to raise. We are on the verge of letting two of those arrows go. I pray that they launch far out into the eternal world, and on that broad ocean their soul triumphs over evils.
I pray they never forget their time here and the laughter that echoed down this little hollow. The trampoline and rain baths. The big dinners and candle light.
The bright bouquets of flowers in the middle of the table from the yard. The days spent laying on towels listening to music and sliding down slides and swinging on swings. The times we've spent falling asleep only to awaken to daddy picking everyone up and slowly putting everyone to bed. The sickness we all shared and health that made us grateful.
My little hole has been a place of calm and peace for our family
and I'm so thankful for it's little shelter and protection.
Tears . . .
A year ago . . .
I asked my husband to focus on on our marriage "for one year" . . . to put aside the volunteer ministry . . . to set aside toxic relationships . . to have regular date nights . . . to cuddle up in our hole and focus on "us".
His words said, "yes" . . . but his actions said, "no".
A year later . . . after 31 years of marriage . . . i am dying in my hole . . . all alone . . . as we live our separate lives . . .
It's been months since we even spoken of "us" . . . a topic he won't even go to.
truly heartbreaking . . .
prayers appreciated . . .
you are so blessed . . .
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