Monday, June 25, 2012

When it's hard to love~

 I wonder why I get to live here? Why, when the sun goes down, I get to see her beauty as she splashes herself all over my little girl's hair. My favorite time of day is right now. My walk at the end of a very long day. Asking God questions about myself and really wondering if I want to know the answers to such questions. My feet knowing this farm and my heart knowing that what I'm doing is the very sweet will of God for my life right now. I know to some the crazy days and some times the long nights would make you gasp, but I am here. I rise with the sun and the endless amounts of cooking and cleaning await me. The training is never ending. "Why did you hit your brother?" and "you know we don't say that" and "hurry and run to the potty" are all very over used words in my home. I myself would like the potty room. To be alone with my thoughts and not have five different people knock, knock, knocking on my door. I breathe and remind myself that this is not easy because it's not supposed to be easy. Parenting is hard work. Why do we insist on easy? Do we not grow more during the challenging times? Do I not appreciate Scott more at the end of a hard day? We learn gratitude and we learn to appreciate the days when we have love and help. That's what we're supposed to be doing anyway~ Some days when I see Scott's car at the top of the driveway I sigh a big sigh of relief knowing my help has arrived.

I have learned to laugh more these days and I've learned that scraping the skin off your old selfish self is painful.  I have learned that sometimes you don't get to sleep past 6:00 am and you don't get to bed before 11:00. I have also learned that some days you have to look for your beauty. God urges you to seek out beauty. He reminds me that the tall grass and the blackberries that need picking and the sun that falls at the end of the day and the chickens that lay perfect eggs and the clothes line that dry my clothes for free is all for me and for my children. I have to breathe and remember that some days are good and some days are just hard. Getting through those bad days and finding the beauty is truly my goal. Finding the beauty in each and every moment is where the Lord wants me to live. This takes a certain amount of forgetting what I think beauty is and remembering what God thinks is beautiful.

All He wants from me is to learn to truly love. I thought I was good at loving but it turns out that I have a lot to learn about love. I was loving good when the loving was easy, but when the loving is hard and diapers are dirty and fights seem never-ending, I retreat. I can't love all of that. He pushes me out and tells me, commands me, to love and love well. So on this Monday morning I will pray for more love...I will love the things that seem unloving and when it's hard I will take a walk and remind myself of all my gifts and pick a few blackberries along the way~

Anyone finding his life will lose it,
Anyone losing his life because of Me
will find it.
Matthew 10:39

So here's to losing my life today so that I can find Him. Love well....<3

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Romans 12:12


Emily, wife of Jeremy said...

Hi Robin. Thank you for the encouragement. I sent you an email awhile back on one of "those really hard" days. This post answers so much. Thank you.

Vanderpolclan said...

I really enjoyed your lasts to posts, Robin. You have written what is in my heart very much these days. Keep soldiering on, fellow pilgrim.


Renata said...

Thanks for another encouraging & challenging post. True love is indeed laying down your life (or what you think your life should look like). God has been teaching me this through the past 18 months even though I don't know why we've had to go through this. God's will is best & He has a perfect plan for all things & it might not be what I want, but it is the best.

Lovely pictures ~ your family is precious!


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