Friday, February 26, 2010

Learning to live a year later..

My emotions are all over the place.

Tears and the need to be alone in the midst
of a full house don't mix well.
I pull my jacket on and feel myself
walking to meet my son who is not
with me here.
He's not where I'm walking either
but somehow meeting him where
I left him last is a comfort.
As I walk I remember the painful days that
we endured almost a year ago.
My heart remembers it all
and I cry tears so big that
I wonder if perhaps they could
fill an ocean.
The pain, the rawness of losing
someone who was meant to be here is never
far from me.
My walk stops me at his feet
and I gently open the jar that
I have hidden there for the past year.
I slowly unscrew the top
of a years worth of emotions bottled up
in that jar. My personal record of
how I trusted and doubted at times.
I read the letters that I wrote to him
a week after his death
a month after
ten weeks after
and they go on and on..
I have to read every one aloud
to him as I sit in the cold beneath the
biggest tree on the property in the quietness
that drew me here.
Tears stained the writing in some places and my
thoughts that are written so immensely private
that sharing them out loud makes
me look around to make sure I'm alone.
The words are painful but healing.
The words are the truths that
I kept from everyone about how
I felt about losing William.
The words explain how I died
along with him in someways.
How I shall never heal completely until
I hark heaven's door.
My voice out of habit said "I trust you Lord."
The trees have heard me say that thousands
of times. "I trust you Lord" was said over and over
in the first days.
I wrote another letter and as I wrote it
the cold breeze sent the trees swaying
like they were dancing around me and I sang
"Blessed be the name of the Lord.."
as I walked back to the fullness
of my house.. where the Lord
is teaching me to live



Sheila said...

You are not alone.
Grief is very different for everyone, but the statistics say the "average" grief period is 2-5 years. Mine was about 3. The love and longing never leave, but my heart-wrenching sorrow has been lifted....what would we do without our Savior?
God bless you and comfort you.

Anonymous said...

I know your grief sweet sister. I haven't followed your blog long but the video of "William" is what captured me,as 1 year ago Nov. 15 we lost our little boy also...and the pain will never go away I'm sure of that.But you can count on the arms of Jesus holding you up when you can't hold up yourself and drying those tears that you think will never stop.

Liz said...

Dear Robyn, It has been almost a year ago that I started reading your blog. The first post I read was the first post you wrote after you surrendered Willy into the hands of God. That same night I came across the blog of another family who also lost their 5 month old to SIDS. That weekend, I turned into a ravaging lunatic screaming at my God, who carried and still carries me through sometimes I feel unbearable trials. You are leading me through my dark days. I falter constantly, but I want to be by your side as you say "I trust in the Lord" as I remind myself that "God is good ALL the time" said...

We are 23 years (this week) on our journey of grief. It never totally goes away, more children to not replace the one(s) that are not here. But I will say that time does help, it eases the rawness. Time also gives perspective, teaching us that that our time here is so brief and eternity is just around the corner.

I wish I could rush you further down the road and take the painful struggle of grief away, but that is not possible. May you continue to find peace from the Prince of Peace, which I know you will.

It is well with my soul.

bbmommy2 said...

The warm tears come as I read these words. No smart words here, just are in my prayers. I say with you, "Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Be well my friend!

I pray Abba's peace be with you all.

With my love,
Brandi at


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