Thursday, April 23, 2009

Hard Days long long night

I didn't have a very good night. I started missing my little boy.
Sometimes it just hits me. I don't know where it comes from but
last night I knew where it came from, and I couldn't hold back the wall
of tears..I hurt somewhere deep in the pit of my heart and no one can
make it better, not even the strong shoulders of my husband.
It's almost like being nauseated. It's just a horrible, horrible feeling..
I tossed and turned just about the whole night..Reliving every detail of my
time spent with him. The questions that I needed answered asked in the dark over
and over again but there was no voice that answered back.
The peace like a river was not there, it was more like a raging tidal wave.
There is something about the dark, the moments when right before I fall into sleep
that reminds me that he is not nestled here..He is not nursing. He is not looking up at
me with those brown eyes loving me and depending on me.
I almost feel as though in some way I failed him. I should of been able to help him.

Life goes on and people forget but when you're grieving and missing, it doesn't get easier right
away. In fact in some ways it gets harder.
Like when Cullen comes into a room and for a brief moment I wonder to myself if William
would of had his personality. His curly hair..His sweet smile. I will never know... and in the darkness, I get mad. Why me, why us?

Then as if the questions being answered I hear "Why not you Robin, why not your family?
What makes you think that it should be someone else?"
That's not what I mean Lord. I don't want anyone else to have to hurt like this. It's just I don't
want to hurt either.
I don't want to have to tell Channie 6 times a day when she asks "Why did baby Willy have to go to heaven?" I don't know Channie..mommie doesn't know.

I will not have the answers until I see the Lord face to face and then I know all of this will make
perfect sense..It's just those nights I have to wade through to get to the morning..


Shelly said...

I am a Mamma to 5 daughters and one son and have followed your blog for quite some time. It's funny how without even meeting I feel like I know you all in some sense. Thank you for sharing your life with my family. Your family is absolutely beautiful.
Please know that I have cried with you and will continue to pray for you all.
Blessings to you!

Kathy @ Teaching Good Things said...

I wish I could reach that place in your heart and make it not hurt.

Missi said...

Robin, you are in our prayers every single day as sweet little Charis requests every time we pray! Please know that we will not forget about baby Willie. He has forever left a legacy in each of our hearts. Because of him, I hug my kids a little longer, I rock more patiently at bed time, and I joy in their smiles. I know you feel the same way about your children that surround you every day.
I can't imagine the overwhelming grief of losing a child and pray that God's grace continues to sustain you.

Anonymous said...

It comes from the love of a mommy for her child! That is where it comes from sister! I pray for you daily, I want you to know that! I love you!

Brandi said...

oh sweet friend. . .thank you for your vulnerability which leads us into better prayer for you. I love you dearly



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