my hole

and the rain came and washed everything new again.

When their wet bodies were screaming and laughing and clean

from the downpour I realized that they had grown.

The tiny drops of wetness had cleared the dust away to open my eyes

and remind me that when the blankets of winter are taken off they revealed

growth. Growth in myself and much growth in my gangly children.

 The busyness of cooking and cleaning and taking care of the needs of this farm

try to steal away moments from me. Big moments or little moments..they're my moments to steal and I refuse to let go.

 I find it harder to keep focused on the most important.

 The little day to day smiles or hugs. 

The tiny footprints that leave a trail that I should be following.

  The bigger always making you feel so little. 

Torn between the task and the moment.

I want the moment

I remember when I was having William and they moved me into this huge room that could have held three mourning pregnant women but I was pushed into that room so vast and I remember thinking, I just want a hole.

 A small hole to curl up in and be able to calm my thoughts and hear His voice and yet no one stops and thinks that one who is empty needs a small space so that it doesn't take much to fill that emptiness. 

Our world needing to be downsized so we're not afraid to look around.

We know that all the important things will get done if we downsize.

Sometimes when this huge world calls and you start looking around

at how much space there is to fill you need a hole. You need to go back home

and keep life simple. You need to be able to see the beauty that is around you not try and find beauty in a BIG world where you feel so small.    

 I'm staying closer to my husband lately. I don't know how we got to this new intimate place of me needing him more and more. I guess it's the marriage conferences and the eating out at our favorite restaurant every week. Sitting at our favorite booth and ordering the same food and holding hands and praying over our little part of this big world. Him coming home early because he doesn't want to be away from us. Spending more hours than ever just soaking him in and enjoying my role as his wife. I hear the stories and see the couples who are not making it and it makes me cling tighter to him. How did we make it? How did we come out stronger after 21 years? How come I'm more in love with him now than 10 years ago? We're just a couple. We have problems and we have lots of distractions to keep us away from each other.

 The answer: we created a hole. A small space we could function in and keep the world out.

  We made our personal world smaller. We took out all of the junk and left only the little small space that wasn't hard to fill. The world tries to pull you in. Sports, church events, problems, cell phones, computers, and every other good thing calls out to you and calls out to your children. We realized that we couldn't do it all nor did we want to. If we're going to be remembered for something then let it be said we were lovers of Christ, faithful to each other and our role as parents. Anything that distracted us from that was wrote down and determined if it was worth keeping.

We just stopped the noise.

We stopped cluttering up our small world.

We stopped the difficult people from being able to speak into our family.

We all know we have difficult people that make your world seem huge and confusing. 

 our hole is perfect for us. We're able to train up the way in which our children should go..a promise to us by our Father.

We're able to be faithful to each other and to the beautiful children the Lord has

asked us to raise. We are on the verge of letting two of those arrows go. I pray that they launch far out into the eternal world, and on that broad ocean their soul triumphs over evils. 

I pray they never forget their time here and the laughter that echoed down this little hollow. The trampoline and rain baths. The big dinners and candle light.

The bright bouquets of flowers in the middle of the table from the yard. The days spent laying on towels listening to music and sliding down slides and swinging on swings. The times we've spent falling asleep only to awaken to daddy picking everyone up and slowly putting everyone to bed. The sickness we all shared and health that made us grateful. 

My little hole has been a place of calm and peace for our family

and I'm so thankful for it's little shelter and protection.

The pinky promise has been broken

Be at rest once more oh my soul for the Lord has been good to you.

Be at rest.. such a small word but one that eludes me as of late. I have so much to be thankful for this month, of all months. It has kept me praising His name for all of the goodness in my life. Taylor celebrated her 20th birthday and with John by her side she blew 20 candles out on her cake. My soul wanted to run. My tears wanted to fall for the little girl that I have watched blow candles out over the past 20 years. The little girl that opens each gift without ripping paper. The little girl that I have shared 20 birthday cakes with and the ice-cream to go with it. Yeah, that little girl has grown up even though when she was five she pinky promised me she wouldn't. I knew when I made her make that promise that she would never keep it but here I sit looking at her and truly wondering where it all went.

All that time I thought I had.

and then five days later my soul aching under the realization that my baby boy turned 18. The little boy he used to be just a memory as he is now a man.

I have watched him turn into this amazing guy and I'm so thankful for the gifts that the Lord has given to him. The little boy who used to dress up like batman and run around the house saying, 'Mama, you're the best mama in the whole world".

I didn't miss it. I was here for every first step and every milestone. His first hair-cut and his first words as he learned to read, the first time he road his bike and learned to swim and yet my mind can't find enough of the memories to satisfy me.  

My world changing and along with the birthdays came this young man, John.

He has been an answered prayer in our life. 

You know, the prayer that is written in every journal since she was born.

That guy who would love her and her crazy family. 

They have been courting and I'm truly amazed at what the Lord has done. He has brought into our life a humble young man who loves the Lord and loves the girls crazy family..oh, and he might love the girl as well;)

He is one of the most thoughtful young men I have ever been around.

He opens doors and will make you sea sick if you're sitting at a table with him and Taylor gets up and down a lot. My head goes up and down just watching him. He stands when she sits and he stands when she gets up.

 I'm like, "Taylor don't get up again...poor John will not be able to walk tomorrow".

She smiles that goofy grin at me..and our eyes meet and I know what she's thinking. She's waited her whole life to give me that look and I didn't miss it.

Courting is a family affair. It's not strange like a lot of people make it out to be.

It's quite fun for me, actually.

  Everyone around here has her/his opinions and well, John has made it to the top of the A list with everyone.

He has intentionally made time with each child and with me and Scott. 

There's that word intentional.... with a purpose.

We intentionally call and text John all during the week to pray for him

or to check in with him. They rarely go places alone and there is always a couple of six kids fighting for the chance to ride with the two of them.

Do we do that because we don't trust them?

No, we do that because we are intentionally going to pass our daughter to a man who has strong morals and believes that dating the worlds way isn't working for most people.

  

 He has drove the three hour drive from Auburn more times than I can count to stay in our little house on the hill, to spend hours with our family. Cooking, watching movies, going out to dinner, going to church almost every Sunday, helping wash dishes, reading bedtime stories, celebrating birthdays, walks in the park and helping put our pigs up. You find out a lot about them when it's pig time...

 We have prayed together and hearing the tender words of thankfulness from him thanking God for our family makes my soul sing for joy for him.

    

He sends each child a birthday box and in it filled with things they would love and a card telling them why he loves them and why they are special to him.

He never tires of bed time stories with the little girls or holding Channie for hours on end at church. He sits right in the middle of our big ol' crew at church and smiles as if he was made for such a thing. 

I believe he was.

The good always comes with the change.

Change is inevitable but I'm not good at it.

I'm sorry to disappoint anyone out there but I like routine.

I like bedtime routines and home school days that run together in a blur. 

I love looking for shoes and finding them in crazy places.

I love my front yard and the little patch of dirt that is a reminder of how long they have been swinging under that tree.

I like setting my table and lighting my lanterns and watching their feet dangle

underneath.

.....but the pinkie promise has been broken and her feet don't dangle anymore and he doesn't run around as batman. 

So, as I get used to this change in my life I've been doing a lot of crying.

Yep, good old bawl days and trying not to burden friends with my growing pains.     

I love the Lord and I love what He is doing in our family.

I trust Him and I trust the new work that I'm having to do.

He reminds me that their growing up has been a result of me doing my job. 

Now, I must finish up my work and shut down office for these two.

I know I sound dramatic and, believe me, I am very dramatic, but this season comes with a bitter sweetness that I'm slowly getting used to.

I know you're tired and there are days when you just want the clock to say bedtime but can I tell you that I have moved bedtime so I get an extra hour with them.....and they don't keep their pinky promises.

So, this is my life lately..all the change drawing me closer to Him.

May 2013

What's not to love?

I often wonder when people ask me why we love kids so much

~I mean what's not to love?~

`

The crazy mornings of toast in the oven almost burning.

The little sleepy headed girls snuggling in my bed.

The sweet guys that make me feel so very special.

The water bill that rises when the temp is above 70 degrees outside.

The days that seem to run together and not remembering the beginning

nor the end just living each moment out loud.

The hundreds of episodes of Andy Griffith that we have watched piled up like back yard puppies on my bed.

The days of sickness that makes you sit in a rocker and hold

them all day long.

The meals that we have experienced and tasted together.

The car drives that either are very sweet

or make you want to lose your mind.

Wiping noses

Brushing teeth

Kissing boo-boos

One more math problem

 Cooking for

Saying no whining to

Watching for

Worrying over

Braiding hair

Looking for shoes

Slowly wondering where I went in all of that but not really caring because I know that doing God's work means I must die to the things I want to do and instead do

the things He wants me to do. Not easy but slowly the Lord teaches you.  

I pray that when my children are grown that they can be shot out of my home like strong bright arrows that don't lose their way in this world. But that means I must be involved because I'm their mother and I want them to succeed only second to their father and so I will keep on training and be with them each and every day.

I pray when I take my last breath that they keep climbing and keep moving forward.What the world has to offer me does not appeal to me.

I don't like the way the world trains up children:

Without the bible and without good sense, if you ask me.

No direction just do what feels good and do what's least painful

on yourself and your children. The results are astounding.

We have realized along the way most recently that

our parenting is not without flaws and so we're so thankful for God's grace.

I want to teach them that family is a gift.

Remembering that God creates family and so

He created us to live on this farm and raise these animals

and sing around the table

and celebrate birthdays and anniversaries

new beginnings of things to come all settled between us.

Family.

Things worked out, mulled over and prayed over.

Decisions made based on the word of God instead

of the word of the world.

I have learned a very small lesson in my lifetime that I'm

trying to pass down to one of my oldest now,

"If the world doesn't like what you're doing then

you must be walking down the right path."

The world hates the things that God created.

So don't be complexed or confused when people don't

understand what you're doing or why you're doing it.

Stay on the path, keep walking and don't you dare settle for what the world has to offer.

I'm trying to slow my life down a bit

enjoy the leaves returning and the sun as she unpacks right here in the middle

of the farm. I can hear their voices echoing through the hollow,

the laughter and screams that a little water can make.

A new season.

  

She's no longer a baby.

They are no longer little and clean.

He lost his best friend and now sits around on the fence thinking about what

to do. I loved watching them curl themselves in a ball intertwined around each other so tight you didn't know where one ended and one began. 

He sits around as if waiting for his friend to return but return he won't,

just like Summer of 2012 won't return.

A new season is here and I have to jump down off my fence and stop

waiting for something that will not return.

I must continue down my path of motherhood and stop

looking back at the good ol' days and remember to live in this day.

Always remembering to live.

Life on the farm

I love the way they turn out, my life in pictures of the everyday.

Celebration of moments that are here for only a moment.

Channie-Mae loves little babies and her affection and devotion is contagious.

I love her excitement of just giving a bottle.

Her laying her head on the pillow at the end of the night and

hearing her last words be, "I've got to get some sleep so I can help with the babies tomorrow."

The way the field hay bends its rod to welcome him in as the sun goes down

and splashes on his face.

The way on national sibling day they didn't know it was special because they spend every day together.

fighting.

painting.

loving.

playing.

See, we're not perfect. 

The way the roaster protects his little flock of six hens in the back yard.

He thinks he's so bad and really he is.

He scares everyone around here.

I like that about him though. 

He does his job.

The daffodils are in bloom and every year the kids run up and down the yard helping them put their tiny seeds to flight.

They huff and puff and the tiny seed pods drift out into the pasture to soon deliver a beautiful yellow flower that gets picked by the hands of my children.

The old red truck is being serviced for her upcoming job to circle this

farm and haul kids in the back. 

Looking forward to a spectacular summer of many memories of us.

Easter 2013 something a little different

Easter 2013

To Scott

Mr. Scott White my husband of 21 years

My life has been touched by him. He has transformed me. You can't live with someone for 21 years and not come out looking like him.

He is my soul mate. 

He is the one that makes it all better when nothing else works…

His shoulders are big and strong when I lean in I melt.

I surrender my worries. I trust him and in doing so I trust the Lord more.

 I trust my calling as wife and mother when everyone around me seems to be "doing" he reminds me that my calling is most important.

The years have changed us so much. I wish I could look back and say I have done all things with love. In reality that's far from the truth. I've had to be beat over the head by the Lord reminding me to love.

I want my way.
I want to be heard. 
I want to win the fight. 
I want to be the one that is right.
I want the attention.
I want to say I told you so.

What I've learned is...I'm a pretty good fighter. I can win a fight with Scott, but every time I win a fight I actually lose:( 

someone should of told me..so I'm telling you...

I wish I could go back and lose every single fight. When I win a fight I've actually lost a small part of love. When I win a fight but see his eyes offended it's not love.
It's not beauty. It's quite ugly.

1. Learn to lose
2. Learn to build up
3. Learn to forgive
4. Learn to see like God sees
5. Learn to lose every single fight and you will surely win the heart of your beloved.
6. Learn to lose and The Lord will make sure you win. When you stand behind the Lord in battle he will defend you. When you go before the Lord and try and defend yourself you lose every single time.

   
I've also learned that marriage is what you make it. If you build your husband up in the gates...i.e. Walmart, church, work, the bank, to your mom, anyone that will listen you will be amazed at the outcome.

Make a point to never, ever, ever say anything bad about your husband to anyone. When you say something negative about him in the gates...You can never ever take it back. People in the gates ( other women ) will go and tell their husband and then that whole family will look at your man differently. People will judge him from then on out based on what you have said. You might as well have got a bulldozer and pushed down half your house. You will never be able to repair what you've done.  

One word and you have ruined his reputation as husband, leader, father...
Glad someone told me this....5 years into our marriage. I was a complainer...and I complained plenty because I wanted someone to feel sorry for me or give me props for putting up with him for leaving his towel on the floor...or whatever small thing it was...I was only trying to make myself feel better by bringing him down.

Not beauty...…

If you truly have a horrible husband and he's abusing you or the kids then get help...but ask people who will and can truly help you...Use discretion.  

I make it a habit to build him up. Is he perfect? Well, he's close but I will never let you or anyone else in on his short comings. Why because he is part of me and by telling you about his short comings only lets you in to my short comings...I actually am breathing death into our marriage when I complain about my husband. We women think a lot and we talk a lot and we tend to meditate a lot on what we think about. Think about the good and be Thankful.  

This same rule applies to your precious children. Your children are growing and learning and they won't stay the same. Don't tear them down to everyone. Don't talk about their bad tempers, or grouchy morning attitudes, bad work ethics...You are tearing your own house down with your own hands I promise...…Pray for them..keep silent, train them and let the Lord go to battle before you. I'm not saying don't get counsel when it's needed but I am saying we talk too much.

The old saying if you don't have something good to say don't say it… 
It applies mostly to our families. 

So 21 years have flown by, our marriage has had ups and downs...When you're being pruned it's a process. It's painful at times to have a branch cut off but when it returns the next season it's beautiful and the fruit is plentiful. If it's left not pruned it bears no fruit. It's useless.

So as I learn over the years that the hard times are the times that the Lord is pruning us I let him take the branches.

 I have learned to bend into the pruning and I know that beauty will return. 

As I grow older I so want the Lord to open my eyes and soften my heart and help me to hear.

All I want is to Love Scott more. To bring him good for the rest of our years 

I know now a lifetime is not enough. I blinked and its  21 years later....
   

Happy Anniversary Scott my beloved and my friend

April 3,1992

I do not take credit for photos…