What's not to love?

I often wonder when people ask me why we love kids so much

~I mean what's not to love?~

`

The crazy mornings of toast in the oven almost burning.

The little sleepy headed girls snuggling in my bed.

The sweet guys that make me feel so very special.

The water bill that rises when the temp is above 70 degrees outside.

The days that seem to run together and not remembering the beginning

nor the end just living each moment out loud.

The hundreds of episodes of Andy Griffith that we have watched piled up like back yard puppies on my bed.

The days of sickness that makes you sit in a rocker and hold

them all day long.

The meals that we have experienced and tasted together.

The car drives that either are very sweet

or make you want to lose your mind.

Wiping noses

Brushing teeth

Kissing boo-boos

One more math problem

 Cooking for

Saying no whining to

Watching for

Worrying over

Braiding hair

Looking for shoes

Slowly wondering where I went in all of that but not really caring because I know that doing God's work means I must die to the things I want to do and instead do

the things He wants me to do. Not easy but slowly the Lord teaches you.  

I pray that when my children are grown that they can be shot out of my home like strong bright arrows that don't lose their way in this world. But that means I must be involved because I'm their mother and I want them to succeed only second to their father and so I will keep on training and be with them each and every day.

I pray when I take my last breath that they keep climbing and keep moving forward.What the world has to offer me does not appeal to me.

I don't like the way the world trains up children:

Without the bible and without good sense, if you ask me.

No direction just do what feels good and do what's least painful

on yourself and your children. The results are astounding.

We have realized along the way most recently that

our parenting is not without flaws and so we're so thankful for God's grace.

I want to teach them that family is a gift.

Remembering that God creates family and so

He created us to live on this farm and raise these animals

and sing around the table

and celebrate birthdays and anniversaries

new beginnings of things to come all settled between us.

Family.

Things worked out, mulled over and prayed over.

Decisions made based on the word of God instead

of the word of the world.

I have learned a very small lesson in my lifetime that I'm

trying to pass down to one of my oldest now,

"If the world doesn't like what you're doing then

you must be walking down the right path."

The world hates the things that God created.

So don't be complexed or confused when people don't

understand what you're doing or why you're doing it.

Stay on the path, keep walking and don't you dare settle for what the world has to offer.

I'm trying to slow my life down a bit

enjoy the leaves returning and the sun as she unpacks right here in the middle

of the farm. I can hear their voices echoing through the hollow,

the laughter and screams that a little water can make.

A new season.

  

She's no longer a baby.

They are no longer little and clean.

He lost his best friend and now sits around on the fence thinking about what

to do. I loved watching them curl themselves in a ball intertwined around each other so tight you didn't know where one ended and one began. 

He sits around as if waiting for his friend to return but return he won't,

just like Summer of 2012 won't return.

A new season is here and I have to jump down off my fence and stop

waiting for something that will not return.

I must continue down my path of motherhood and stop

looking back at the good ol' days and remember to live in this day.

Always remembering to live.

Life on the farm

I love the way they turn out, my life in pictures of the everyday.

Celebration of moments that are here for only a moment.

Channie-Mae loves little babies and her affection and devotion is contagious.

I love her excitement of just giving a bottle.

Her laying her head on the pillow at the end of the night and

hearing her last words be, "I've got to get some sleep so I can help with the babies tomorrow."

The way the field hay bends its rod to welcome him in as the sun goes down

and splashes on his face.

The way on national sibling day they didn't know it was special because they spend every day together.

fighting.

painting.

loving.

playing.

See, we're not perfect. 

The way the roaster protects his little flock of six hens in the back yard.

He thinks he's so bad and really he is.

He scares everyone around here.

I like that about him though. 

He does his job.

The daffodils are in bloom and every year the kids run up and down the yard helping them put their tiny seeds to flight.

They huff and puff and the tiny seed pods drift out into the pasture to soon deliver a beautiful yellow flower that gets picked by the hands of my children.

The old red truck is being serviced for her upcoming job to circle this

farm and haul kids in the back. 

Looking forward to a spectacular summer of many memories of us.

Easter 2013 something a little different

Easter 2013

To Scott

Mr. Scott White my husband of 21 years

My life has been touched by him. He has transformed me. You can't live with someone for 21 years and not come out looking like him.

He is my soul mate. 

He is the one that makes it all better when nothing else works…

His shoulders are big and strong when I lean in I melt.

I surrender my worries. I trust him and in doing so I trust the Lord more.

 I trust my calling as wife and mother when everyone around me seems to be "doing" he reminds me that my calling is most important.

The years have changed us so much. I wish I could look back and say I have done all things with love. In reality that's far from the truth. I've had to be beat over the head by the Lord reminding me to love.

I want my way.
I want to be heard. 
I want to win the fight. 
I want to be the one that is right.
I want the attention.
I want to say I told you so.

What I've learned is...I'm a pretty good fighter. I can win a fight with Scott, but every time I win a fight I actually lose:( 

someone should of told me..so I'm telling you...

I wish I could go back and lose every single fight. When I win a fight I've actually lost a small part of love. When I win a fight but see his eyes offended it's not love.
It's not beauty. It's quite ugly.

1. Learn to lose
2. Learn to build up
3. Learn to forgive
4. Learn to see like God sees
5. Learn to lose every single fight and you will surely win the heart of your beloved.
6. Learn to lose and The Lord will make sure you win. When you stand behind the Lord in battle he will defend you. When you go before the Lord and try and defend yourself you lose every single time.

   
I've also learned that marriage is what you make it. If you build your husband up in the gates...i.e. Walmart, church, work, the bank, to your mom, anyone that will listen you will be amazed at the outcome.

Make a point to never, ever, ever say anything bad about your husband to anyone. When you say something negative about him in the gates...You can never ever take it back. People in the gates ( other women ) will go and tell their husband and then that whole family will look at your man differently. People will judge him from then on out based on what you have said. You might as well have got a bulldozer and pushed down half your house. You will never be able to repair what you've done.  

One word and you have ruined his reputation as husband, leader, father...
Glad someone told me this....5 years into our marriage. I was a complainer...and I complained plenty because I wanted someone to feel sorry for me or give me props for putting up with him for leaving his towel on the floor...or whatever small thing it was...I was only trying to make myself feel better by bringing him down.

Not beauty...…

If you truly have a horrible husband and he's abusing you or the kids then get help...but ask people who will and can truly help you...Use discretion.  

I make it a habit to build him up. Is he perfect? Well, he's close but I will never let you or anyone else in on his short comings. Why because he is part of me and by telling you about his short comings only lets you in to my short comings...I actually am breathing death into our marriage when I complain about my husband. We women think a lot and we talk a lot and we tend to meditate a lot on what we think about. Think about the good and be Thankful.  

This same rule applies to your precious children. Your children are growing and learning and they won't stay the same. Don't tear them down to everyone. Don't talk about their bad tempers, or grouchy morning attitudes, bad work ethics...You are tearing your own house down with your own hands I promise...…Pray for them..keep silent, train them and let the Lord go to battle before you. I'm not saying don't get counsel when it's needed but I am saying we talk too much.

The old saying if you don't have something good to say don't say it… 
It applies mostly to our families. 

So 21 years have flown by, our marriage has had ups and downs...When you're being pruned it's a process. It's painful at times to have a branch cut off but when it returns the next season it's beautiful and the fruit is plentiful. If it's left not pruned it bears no fruit. It's useless.

So as I learn over the years that the hard times are the times that the Lord is pruning us I let him take the branches.

 I have learned to bend into the pruning and I know that beauty will return. 

As I grow older I so want the Lord to open my eyes and soften my heart and help me to hear.

All I want is to Love Scott more. To bring him good for the rest of our years 

I know now a lifetime is not enough. I blinked and its  21 years later....
   

Happy Anniversary Scott my beloved and my friend

April 3,1992

I do not take credit for photos…

A True Knot

The day she was born was the day that God showed out in a big way.

Another daughter after 13 years.

The doctor told me to push and then he screamed for me to stop.

He was noticeably very upset and I remember crying saying, "whats wrong?"

 and then I heard her cry.

Her sweet little lungs filling with air.

The doctor reached up and handed her to me and said, "God was with us today".

Channie-Mae had a 'true knot' in her cord. The doctor had never seen one that ended with a good outcome and wouldn't talk about it...

he didn't have to

We all knew what he was thinking when he said "I can't talk .. it could have gone  real bad today".

I held my tiny baby and cried and a part of me changed that day.

No more living just an ordinary life

He had given me a miracle

and I was not going to forget.  

I whispered (and continue to whisper, actually yell),

"Thank you, Lord, for saving her."

I tell her the story of her birth often. I, well we,  treat her  like the miracle that she is. We always have from that day March 30, 2006. 

My little girl with the missing front teeth is 7 years old this weekend.

The little person who ripped my heart open and cleaned it out so that

I could love deeper. She made me more vulnerable to the world because I knew that she was just like me and I knew that the little girl inside of me who didn't have a father and didn't have the security of a home grew now somewhere inside of Channie Mae. God gave me another childhood through her eyes. A happy ending.

I have often told myself this was the little girl I was supposed to be

brave

happy

loving

loyal

secure

helpful

She is all of those things and more.   

God healed a generation through her.

Me

My heart healed through all my children but Channie Mae living out and loving so huge was like having open heart surgery.

Being healed of the past, being healed of wondering what if, being healed of any doubt that my Heavenly Father adored me.

Growing up with the boys in her life has given her such a sweetness.

They have carried her when the road was hot or her feet hurt. They slept with her when she was scared and held her hand when she needed one.

They have never been allowed to treat Channie harshly and that was because of this man.

Her daddy

He regards his daughters as the precious gifts they are

and if I were a boy I wouldn't mess with him concerning them.

He has no tolerance if someone hurts Channie Mae's feelings.

He is her protector and that job description has only gotten more detailed 

as he's gotten older.  So when I say our guys are gentle with our girls

I'm not just saying that, he makes it happen. We don't have fussing and fighting

among them. The boys will rough house but I'm talking mean spirited, tearing down each other. The boys know if one of the girls is crying there's going to be a trial and if you're found guilty....it's not a good thing.

I wonder if all dads taught their boys to love their sisters like that

what the world would look like. What homes would look like?

What the little girls would look like?  

 I wonder if all little girls could trust their daddy to defend them

and honor them and in so doing teaching them that all men, all boys

should honor them and all the little girls in the world would grow up strong  

and healthy and never give herself to a man just to feel loved or wanted. She would already know her worth and she would know her value.

I pray that Chandler-Mae never forgets the hours he has spent

holding her and protecting her and teaching her

of his love and the love of Christ.

I pray that she continues to live a life of thanksgiving and remembering He

saved her life that day in March and she should live as if

she's a miracle because she is one.

Happy Birthday Chandler-Mae Grayce White 

We love you to the moon and back and a bushel and a peck...

2013

The Dogwoods Are In Bloom

The dogwood tree stands, arms stretching over the small grave where Williams body lays. I know the bones beneath the dirt are just that, bones, bones of my flesh but as the dogwood blooms it brings about a mental reminder of the season two years ago.
The dogwoods were also in bloom the days before I laid Williams body in the dirt of our farm. The fertile ground that has harvested life and food now holds a tender piece of my heart, forever.
I walk the path, pass his grave, almost every single day and I never tire of just sitting and remembering the tiny boy I call William.

Can all this pain really add up to something useful to bringing Glory to God?
Will I ever get to the point where I don't want to cry when I set an extra place at our table and I think William could be here? Will I always have to remind myself that William is sitting at a far bigger table than mine?

If I could change the ending to our story, would I?

Or will I continue to walk out the ending He chose for me? Really walk it out and be thankful while walking through the dogwoods? Remembering the gifts even when I can't see the gift giver? I will walk this story, being thankful that the little boy I only knew through kicks and hiccups was born to me and handed to me wrapped in a blue blanket still and without life. His little boy face reminding me so much of his brothers before him.
The Lord stood at the end of my bed that morning and said "William, come forth" and he did.

Be Thankful for that?


Yes, Thankful.
Thankful that God allowed me the privilege of being Williams mother.

Some women never get to be a mother or feel life inside of them. Some women never feel the kicks of their unborn babes. I got to hold William for 30 weeks and as my belly grew bigger I would rub and talk to him and share so much love with him.
He made his farewell being covered in his mothers love, I assure you.
Well prayed for and well loved.

I still see his tiny frame and his features I could out line in my memory until the day I die.
A mother never forgets their own child. I have placed his picture wrapped in that blue blanket next to all the other children in our foyer and I acknowledge his presence in our life. I acknowledge that I'm his mom.


I remember to be Thankful for the days I carried him.
I remember to be Thankful for the days after when God carried us.

Yes, the dogwoods are in bloom and they continue to be a gentle reminder
that I can trust a gentle Savior who knows all endings to all of our stories and
I can trust even when I don't understand the story tellers ending.


William Charlie White, March 25th 2009

Posted from archives

Rediscovering

My blog entries have been few but that doesn't mean there has not been a lot going on in my home, or my heart for that matter. I have been very busy just trying to transition into this new stage of my life. It's harder than I could have ever imagined and then it's more beautiful than I could have ever prayed for. It says in scripture that God bottles our tears and well, I bet He's having to scoot some stuff over to make room for my bottled up tears....all the while busy catching the rest of them.

Psalm 56:8
You keep track of all my sorrows.
    You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
    You have recorded each one in your book.

 I wonder where they all come from. I mean I'm certainly a passionate person, mama, wife and friend...but this seems different, if even a little ridiculous for me. I knew they were there, like a volcano under the beautiful blue skies, my raw emotions of motherhood and wife hood....and this being the first time in 20 years that I've come up for air, they are starting to show themselves.
Breathing in and breathing out and looking around at the changes that each breath brings. My house staying a little cleaner these days and my grocery money going a little further because I push my buggy right through the diaper aisle. Everyone in my house sleeping all night, a little girl learning to read and reading every book she can get her hands on. Counting to 100 and wanting to know if you want to hear her do it. Sure, it's cute the first time and I'm smiling and tapping the steering wheel but I have to admit when she gets to 67 or so it's not quite as precious, and when she's finished she says in the sweetest 6 year old voice ever, the one that comes with missing teeth, "you want me to do it again?" 
"Oh no honey, you take a break! That was awesome though and you're growing up so...."
 and those words are true. 

It could be that Joe started this avalanche of tears. He's finally speaking. I know, strange for you to hear, but for us it's a miracle. Since his adoption five years ago the words have not come. After pleading and countless hours of coaxing he just couldn't or wouldn't. So somewhere deep in me, I knew that he would be my "one", the one that would be with me forever. I'm so thankful that I can amuse my Father, because in the span of six months my prayers that have flooded the throne room have been answered. 

Joe has started talking, telling us things that have been locked up for years now. His words are beautiful and his voice like the sweetest fragrance to my ears. 
                                                    "I love you mom." 
Oh, Joe, I have waited so very long for you to cross this bridge....I never expected my children to have any "issues" and when they do you grieve for them in ways you can't explain. Why do some kids have it so easy and others have a harder go at it? I don't know but I tell you when those kids who have it harder make accomplishments you shout to the Lord with tears of gratefulness. Joe is reading and writing and since his words have been found and spoken he's just plain funny. He's a joy that you can't find just any where.

He is fascinated with animals and live things that you find in the bricks of the house..lizards...He is the best brother. I watch him when he doesn't know I'm watching and he does the sweetest things like seeing someones shoestrings untied and bending a knee to tie it for them. He feeds a baby without being told and helps them peel back the paper from a cupcake. He is as tough as a rusty nail. If this kid is crying I know something is wrong. He's bleeding and it's bad...because he's just made different. His pain tolerance is higher than all my American kids put together. When Joe looses a tooth he just simply hands it to you..no week long wiggling, pushing, tears...he's not dramatic and he's very calm when everyone else around him gets emotional. Joe is not moved. It's amazing to me after everything this little guy has been through to see what the Lord has done in his life...People walk by him and don't realize they just walked by one of the most amazing people in the world. Don't walk by Joe...He's fascinating and he's kind hearted and I believe God saved his life.     

This man is half responsible for the unlocking of tears. We went to a marriage conference six weeks ago. The first time in years we've had time to work on "us" again. We've never been in a bad place just overwhelmed with the responsibilities before us and so we always put our marriage last because, to be honest, being parents took both of us 24/7...I know, all the books say put your marriage first and then everything else will be beautiful and healthy......we didn't do that part so well. 


We have always parented first. I guess because I had such a horrible childhood and so I was kind of in overdrive to make sure my kids had a great one and then Scott and I just lived off the fumes of love...We did okay until we realized recently what we had done. We never went on dates and we just got in this habit or routine if you will...the conference changed all of that for us. We had a true "come to Jesus" meeting.....we knew with the combination of our children growing up and how little time we spent together that if we didn't do something we would be one of those couples that sat silently through a meal not having much to talk about except children.... and well if you know me at all..you know that part is not entirely true but you get the point. We made some changes, we prayed and asked the Lord to forgive us and then we asked Him to change us. We decided to have date nights and daily reading time in scripture and in marriage books. We would choose to be more intentional with our marriage and I had realized that I kept so many of my thoughts and emotions from Scott because I thought I was being silly....wrong move..a marriage is the most intimate relationship besides my relationship with my heavenly Father. I knew I had to change from 100% mother to more wife and friend to my husband. So during our marriage conference we went to dinners and talked and I started crying and since then the tears have not stopped. I truly believe that society has told us how tough we are and how we can juggle a job, family, faith and friends with ease but I believe it's a lie. We were created to be a woman with emotions....and I had been on the job of motherhood for so long that when I came back to my calling as help meet, I was overwhelmed...but overwhelmed with joy. During our conference they suggested that each couple take a vision retreat. You go away for four to five days and you have a book to complete the first half of the day and the questions are hard.

They really get you thinking. We were stuck on one question for three hours. Then the rest of the day you have to go and have fun together. We took an 8 mile hike in a local state park. I wanted to quit but Scott kept saying, "we are not quitting". I remember being out there in the woods with just him and his encouragement and thinking to myself, I so need him. We laughed and hugged, walked until we were  exhausted and when we finally made it to the falls, I was glad he didn't let me stop. I realize now more than ever I had stopped getting to know him. This precious man whom I get to grow old with..I'm so thankful the Lord reminded us gently to hold tightly to each other. 
Our household is in major transition for several reasons, and I honestly could not do it without him. He is my encourager and best friend and the key holder to my most sacred thoughts and I love him for that. The way he encouraged me on the trail is the way he encourages me everyday and I just didn't listen very well. I'm glad we're back on the track the Lord intended for us.

The Lord is so gracious and I'm so thankful to Him for helping me rediscover my first calling.