And we're all in

I'm finally an older woman. 

I'm that woman that I always wanted to find. You know, the one who has been through life and knows about life and lived to tell about it and is willing to share about it.

Today I want to share how all this letting go and stuff is hard.

How some days it doesn't even feel like my house, much less my life.

My nest is getting smaller and while I feel kinda like wait how did this all happen, I keep reminding myself

that this is in fact the work that I have been doing for the past 21+ years.

Working on getting my nest smaller.

So, I guess the biggest question I've been getting as of late is how? How are you getting your older kids married? Well, the Lord certainly has been gracious and He has been so sweet to send us some wonderful spouses for Taylor and now Tucker but it truly is an answered prayer.

Scott was reading to me about a bible study he was doing in the book of 1 Samuel . And Hannah was the main focus.

 Sweet Hannah.

 She wanted a baby so much and yet couldn't have one and she prayed

and God heard her. I love that He heard her. I mean do we pray that our prayers storm past the gates

of heaven and right to the throne room of our Savior?  Where he cocks his head and raises a hand and says "wait Hannah is praying again".

   

She basically said, Lord please give me a child and I will give him back.

and she had a baby boy.

  

so I'm sure she nursed him and diapered him and clothed him and sang to him.

I'm sure she worried over him when he was sick.I'm sure she lay next to him and

and said thank you Lord at least a million times.

That's not in the bible, but we're a lot alike me and Hannah, and I did that with all my babies

so I'm sure she did too.

But when it was time to give him back to the Lord she did.

She opened her fist and layed him at the feet of her Savior. She finished

what she set out to do.

 She kept her promise to the Lord and she was found faithful. 

and I love her for that example

because I have to tell you that I have prayed for a child. I have stormed the gates

of Heaven and I'm not ashamed to admit I begged God for all these babies 

and like Hannah I'm sure somewhere in all that begging I said I would let them go

and give them back when it was time. 

But that was years right and years take well

years....

and I needed to speak to Hannah when God told me it was time to let Taylor go.

I needed her example and her bravery and I needed her strength.

and when my years with Taylor and Tucker came up I emptied myself.

I couldn't believe it was time. I thought about the time. I even tried to prepare myself and yet when it's 

time your heart is never really ready. But like Hannah, I whispered through the years

I'm doing God's work. I'm training Her/Him for the Lord.

and when God said let go

I have plans to grow My kingdom

I didn't hold on.

I cried, yes.

I missed the way my home felt when they were all there, yes.

I wondered if I forgot anything, yes.

I try and hold on to memories of thumb sucking toddlers who

use to sleep in my bed, yes.

  but   

I have 6 more promised to the Lord

I have much work ahead of me. I promised Him. I plan on doing my end of the bargain.

It's hard work though. I know what I'm doing now. I know I'm emptying my nest and my heart

as I teach and train. I look at them and wonder what service they will find doing for the Lord.

But like Hannah I just keep my eyes fixed at the task at hand.

I do my work that the Lord has set out before me.

like, 

three guys to teach before the Lord says ok let me have him back.

It's never easy but I pray that I can be like Hannah. Strong and brave

and dependable with what is His. We talk marriage a lot around here and I believe that is one reason

both Taylor and Tucker married early. People laugh at one of our sons. The tall guy in the back.

So Coop, what do you want to do when you get older and he clears his throat and says

I want to be married when I'm 18.

There is no doubt in my mind that he probably will be. We save our money so that we can help them start a business or build a house. We plan. We are trying to leave our children an inheritance and so that doesn't look very good for our retirement fund or my old people home. We just invest our time, energy, and yes money into the future. We are not selfish with what the Lord has let us borrow. 

You can't be if you're investing in something.

We teach on the future. We do bible studies on marriage and what it takes to be married.

We keep our guys around men who love marriage.

We don't watch t.v. shows that degrade marriage.

We teach them that to be married is a gift.

A wonderful beautiful gift and they know it's true.

and I know it's true.

So we invest,

 And we're all in.  

Just in case you have ever wanted an older woman in your life, pull up a chair, flip your Bible open to 1Samuel  and read about Hannah.

Blessings from the farm.

Slaying the dragons in our life

.
For the past four years we have made our way down I95s to a beautiful island right outside of St Augustine Fl. The oldest city in the United States.
 The van packed with happy kids and adult kids and all their "stuff". Our minds remembering every little detail of the past 3 years and looking forward with great fondness to the memories that will be made this trip. Every-time we pull up to our beach house on the island, nestled just steps away from the oceans floor, time stands still. The sand that lays outside our house is quite familiar after 4 years. The ocean waves create a stillness in us that dares us to leave everything behind and for 7 days we do. Every year before we leave the island Cullen will sit and write out letters to me for us to find next year and I slowly take the picture off my bedroom wall, the one with the beach and the cute little houses, and I lay it across my bed and easily slide his love letters down in the back.Until next year.

 So the first thing we do when we drive up is listen as Cullen goes and finds his secret time capsule from the year before and we read them and always remark at how well his handwriting has gotten. It's almost always the same thing. A big sloppy heart and I love you mom and dad and I wonder when he will forget to do this and I will pull that picture with the ocean and the houses off my wall and find it empty.

The house is situated on the island at the end of a 4 mile stretch and in a tiny neighborhood. It gives you the feel of home. If you don't stop at the one little stop sign the neighbors will call the police, and the  policeman will wait for you and give you a stern talking to. We leave our doors unlocked because most of the time we forget as we're all piled up in our bedroom watching the latest super hero movie, but even if I wanted to lock that glass door looking out over the beach I couldn't. The locks have been broken for the past 2 years. We have to sit in the dark sometimes because there will be a note on our door telling us that mama turtles have been seen making their way up out of the ocean to lay their eggs, and our light would confuse her so we sit in the darkness.
There is one grocery store on the island and we buy our favorite food and push all the available tables together and have every single meal there..Just like home. We hold hands and bow our heads and give thanks.

When I lay in our bed for the first time on that first night I always tell Scott how much I missed this bed. I still have a pallet of kids at the foot and the ocean sounds lull me deep. In the morning opening the door to three huge windows and the sun smiling at you over the bed of the sea. I always get surprised by her beauty.

The path to the beach is a worn sand path with little cactus briers that find their way into our feet as we walk down so the little girls have to be carried on someones shoulders or hip. They're bigger now, I whisper that I probably won't have to do this next year, that is carry them over the briers.

We sit in the same place and put the same chairs out with the big blue umbrella and over 100 castle building equipment, because every year Scott sits right down in the middle of the sand and calls all of them out to see who can build the best and biggest sand castle.It's like calling out the war call if you have male blood running in your family. They work for hours on their master pieces and then they want me to judge. Although he always wins they're giving him a run for his money lately. His extra points with me being the judge always sends him over by just a little.    

He always gets them together and says Lets go slay some dragons and they make their way to the shore and pretend they have swords and start hitting the waves. He tells them stories of dragons living way out in the ocean and they are stomping their feet and we have to stop their waves before they get on shore. He's just cool like that.

 I sit back in my chair and count 1-2-3-4-5-6 over and over looking for any sign of distress.

I'm just cool like that.

I have sat in the same place and mourned the loss of Tom Lee and his precious family and our friends The Crawfords who lost their home that year. Tears fell and we almost didn't go but the ocean has a way of reminding you who's in charge. I have sat  under the same umbrella and helped my teenage daughter sort through all her feelings and watched her grow up with the ocean at her feet.

This year a woman and she brings her husband and my grand-baby and we talk baby stuff and dream about next year and how Marlee will be almost a year old Lord willing. I have watched Tucker bring the love of his life to our island and propose in almost the exact same spot that 2 years before Scott and I exchanged our renewal wedding vows with flowers and candles and lots of tears. He now gets on one knee and asks and she said yes! He had asked me to be there to take pictures and of course I wouldn't miss it and neither would the rest of the crew as they all snuck out and circled them and then we prayed. Another beautiful memory...

" It's all those things, and something else, the something that our family becomes when we are there." We;re the best version of our family there, relaxed and connected and without agenda or schedule.We have conversations that unfold lazily and resolve over days instead of minutes. We tell stories that everyone's already heard, and it doesn't bother us, because we have nothing else to do. We're irresponsible, and we make up plans as we go, and we've been going there long enough to have patterns just like worn spots in carpet. Patterns that have become traditions. things you do without thinking that feel familiar and meaningful."  I read that out of a book called Cold Tangerines... 

As you make your way to the light and if you turn left it will dump you out on the island where there is a park with a huge carouse,l bright and beautiful, and the music can be heard through the windows of your car. It stands under the old Augustine trees in memory of children who have passed on. A beautiful place bustling with life but at your feet little bricks with hand written letters from the parents and grandparents of those angels. A holy place. We stand and pay our dollar and find a horse that moves and the wind and the music and the laughter and smell of the salt water makes you never want to get off. I remember my own angel and wish I could put a brick in the soil for him. This place is for William. My prince whom I shall never forget even on vacation.

I believe that our family vacations have played an important role in building strong family ties. Yes, it's expensive and yes it's always gonna be, but you know what? We all get to choose how we spend our money and we choose this. My home is in need of repairs, I'll be honest, but my kids are all growing up and so we have chosen this day to save our money for our big vacation every year. There is not enough money in the world to buy what I live on, on that island for those 7 days. Find you a place to explore and call your own. We don't own that house on the island we rent it every year but it's home to us and I wonder when they look back years later will they remember that our walls needed painted or our bathroom needed up-dated, or will they tell my grand babies how they slayed dragons in the ocean and went to every single thrift store on the island looking for cool memory makers? How one year we made Shirley temples until midnight, how we fought over the towels and hot water after along day on the beach. I wonder if Cullen will remember that we walked till the beach ended and we stood and looked out over the ocean with the wind pushing us but we stuck our faces in the wind and held out our arms and breathed.

 May 2014

   














     



















   

Building Bridges

The farm is quite busy as legs grow longer and our family grows. 

Taylor, is expecting our first grand-baby 

and I will officially be called Grandma Birdie. Our little granddaughter kept her mama sick for 16 weeks and even as I write this, Taylor is still fighting being nauseated. A grand-baby and a son-in-law all in less than a year. Wow when things change, they change fast.

But more change has found it's way to the farm. Tucker, is in a courtship with a young lady named Johanna.

We have lots of mutual friends and I really like her.They will be getting married soon and I couldn't be happier.

Some people have been quite surprised by their quick courtship (it will be a total of 3 months) gasp!! but we're not. If you have been around Tucker more than an hour than you know this is such an answered prayer.

Since he was 12 years old we have been preparing him for his biggest job yet, Husband and Father

We prepared him for this. So please don't worry. We have intentionally taught and continue to teach our children that marriage is a beautiful God given gift.  We have spent hours training him for this position. We have arranged our life so that Tucker could be with his dad for most of his time from 12 years old up. We have given him a vision to see differently than the world. To give up his life for a young lady to provide for her and lead her closer to the Lord. He has been faithful. He is a servant and did I mention a hard worker? So what does courtship look like the 2nd time around? It's look good. I'm so excited that the Lord is so gracious  to us to grant us our hearts desires and answer our Prayers.

But courtship is work for both families and it's a commitment from our children. We are standing with them and helping them make wise decisions. We are saying, "okay ask her this or how does she feel about that?" It's work. Whoever thinks having little children is hard work...wait for the older years. God is just preparing you for the hard work. When you do things different it is never easy. It's like carrying a backpack up a hill. 

We do things different like home-school, courtship and getting married early if the Lord brings spouses, we're not afraid to do hard things and marriage is hard but it's also very sweet seeing your children choosing to give their one life to serving another. My job is to train..I realize now that those years of training have to be training with a purpose. You have to get with your husband and have a plan. Have a vision for where you're going. Don't just train, but plan, what do you want your kids to be doing when their 19-20? For some reason the Lord laid on our hearts that marriage is a high calling and so we trained and trained and listened to sermons and helped Tucker be in a position to live on his own for 6 months and pay rent and pay bills. To fix toilets and deal with problems. All this takes my time and Scott's time. It takes money to be able to invest in building that bridge but you're investing in something good. We just always knew what we were investing in and we tell our children often. "I want to teach you this because when you get married you will need to know how."

We had the opportunity to buy a house that was originally part of our land and it was a sacrifice financially. We had to know where we were headed and know that this house was part of a bridge that would help us walk our children into the adult world. It turned out to be a huge part of giving Tucker the fuel that he needed, when he got a job,  to be able to move out  and slowly get use to living life alone.

It was the fuel he needed to see Gods vision and our vision for his life. He had something to work toward and to dream for. You must have a vision for your family. School and hard work alone will not cut it. It has to be something that they can dream of, and work toward.

I'm not saying that Tucker is 100% ready for marriage but really can one ever be? I am saying that he is willing and desires to. He has lots of little things to do yet, and he's motivated to do them, things like getting our old van fixed so she will  have a car. And buying a washer sounds pretty exciting when you're talking about your son. 

The rest of the crew is making way for more change as we adjust to Tucker and Taylor being gone.

The layers of my skin are thin right now. The building of bridges is intentionally staying focused on your family and I'm finding out bridge building is hot, hard work. At times I long for when they were all small and I could make them happy with just a movie or their favorite food. Now it's more important than ever to keep hammering away at keeping relationships. 

And it can be lonely.

 I invest in my family and when you invest everything you have into your husband and children and the future there is very little room for much else. I have to say no to a lot and it's in those times that I keep telling myself it's not all in vain.  

 Training little girls to fold clothes

Training guys that refrigerators need to be cleaned out and yes they can do it.

 Taking time for date nights in my bedroom and snuggling with Cullen while we watch Andy Griffin and bringing s'mores so he'll remember 

 Most importantly I believe in building the relationships between brothers and sisters.

Doing whatever you have to do to make them best friends. Work hard at this. I am seeing this to be key in building bridges that will stand the test of time. If your kids don't get along, then stop and read everything you can and get advice and don't give up. This is critical. Children that don't get along now, grow up to not get along in most cases, or they grow up and move on never to look back and invest in the life of their siblings.

I pray often Lord teach me the ways of old. 

So tie their heart strings so that when they're married they still want to be a part of their younger siblings life.

Again this takes lots and lots of work. But I promise it's so worth it when your married daughter still piles up on the couch with her sisters.  

Building bridges is hard, it means I don't get to do all the things I want to do,

it means sacrificing now in order to have a future, it means when they need me

I'll be there. 

May, 2014

Study to be quiet

 " And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your hands, as

we commanded you" 1 Thessalonians 4:11

She came home and we were sitting and talking about married life and living away.
  She said, "the hardest part mom is the quiet. My thoughts are everywhere.
 I can't even sit to read a book because it's too quiet".

Her ears still ringing from the household of many.

  

As part of my job of teaching and preparing my children for life after

their few years with us I never really thought to teach them to be quiet.....

until I saw that verse and heard her words.

Is it really something that must be studied and taught? how hard can the quiet be?

It's loud here and with 8 kids and 4 dogs on this farm, the noise is a constant

in our ear. We get used to it and we work around it. My brain not really shutting down

until night time and then I have to have a noise machine to sleep by.

 More noise to be able to sleep.  

I run interferes as I hear the noise getting louder or if I hear harsh tones to the noise.

but I never stopped to think what is all this clamoring? 

Our farm holds a beautiful pond and every year the frogs start singing

about this time and their singing is loud, you can't carry on a conversation outside, you can't

hear yourself think. Sort of like our home. The loud voices drowning out the still small voice of

a Father who wants my children to study and learn to be quiet so that the noise of this life

won't keep them away from Him.

Being in a big family does not mean we don't have to learn this.

It's just harder.

So I started implementing a time of quiet to my daily teaching.

A time to be still

A time to hear yourself think

A time to journal

A time to imagine

A time to deal with your feelings  

A time to dream

A time to be yourself and not compete in the big family race

of who can say more and who can say it faster.

Who can be the loudest and who can draw the most attention

I must admit this has been hard for me

My thoughts never letting me truly just meditate on the Lord.

My to-do list running through my mind. 

I guess that's why the verse says "study to be quiet".

I literally have to step out on the farm and walk the path that no one is on

and I still find myself talking to myself or to God.

I long for quiet; stillness.

The place where my brain is able to shut off so I can hear His voice.

In the midst of raising lots of children I have lost my ability to shut my mind and thoughts

down. It come in handy as I've multi-tasked my days but now it's harder to learn.

I wish someone would have told me to teach my 

children the art of quietness and the beauty it holds.

Now I'm having to break habits and that's always harder.  

Being alone with yourself and your thoughts and your Savior is a gift

that we give up everyday for lots of words that literally add up to nothing.

The quietness and the mediating heart that thinks of it's savior

will change your children and yourself.

Study and shut your house down for at least an hour a day.

No talking, no phones, no texting, no music, no books.

Just you looking to God to show you the art of being still in His presence.    

Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.

  love from the farm,

Robin

The confessions of a mom of many.

We took a road trip to the beach over the weekend for a friends wedding. It took more effort than usual because we had been fighting a virus and several was just getting it. We finally got everything packed

and into the car and we headed out to make memories.

My head crowded with thoughts..You know the thoughts of 

My kids are growing up and I feel like
 I'm feeling my way through the dark in this thing called parent-hood.

Yeah those thoughts

I read books and most importantly the bible but it's just hard sometimes.
Anything worth doing is hard though.

It doesn't help that when we get sick it takes 2 weeks to get over it because there are so many of

us. I'm tired and I feel used up after 2 weeks. I feel sorry for the last one to get sick because my gentleness

and nurturing nature feels like some made up story..a bad made up story at that.        

 Being a Parent to adults is so much harder than I ever imagined. Trying to keep your thoughts to yourself and trying to let them go without hanging on for dear life. Just letting go and trusting in the Lord. I keep reminding myself that we have been faithful and that in the end they leave.


I'm thankful for her leaving it was good and his leaving is coming up.
You forget the leaving when they're little.

I tell ya it wants me to slow things way down

when you experience a couple of them leave the nest.

I spend more time in bed-time good-nights. Laying under the covers and holding hands.
Tickling round bellies and holding sick little hot girls.
They don't have leaving on their mind but I do.
{I know that sounded like a song.}

I put up Christmas lights in everyone's windows with paper snow flakes to remind myself

that this season is temporal and I want to enjoy it in all it's glory.

Lights, food and their laughter.

When you're in deep waters in parenting it can seem overwhelming and never-ending but you will reach

shore one day and it's so easy when they're little.

 They eat after you and drink after you.

kiss you in public and stand and talk to you when you go the the bathroom.

They snuggle up close and don't mind you acting crazy.

You don't have to dress up or wear make-up they just love you.

I just love little kids.

The magical season of child-hood is amazing

It's such a gift and so many times young moms try and rush the most beautiful 

time in their life. The busyness of everyday crowding your mind of the beautiful that this season offers.

The weeds of right now hiding the fruit

I'm older you know. I see what the years do to a mom of many.

The years of little sleep and the body that just can't snap back is a constant reminder

of my age and I ask myself would I change anything and the answer is always no, not one little thing.

I earned every little battle scar and I will not cover them up so the world thinks better of me.
I'm not dressed up
My hair may or may not have been combed for the day.
sometimes I just forget if I did or didn't.
My latest fashion is something I can work in get dirty in and
not stress if it gets dirty because it will.

My husband knows what 10 pregnancies did to my body as well as my heart because he

was there fighting with me through each and every one. So I don't have to cover up for him

he knows and him and the Lord are the only ones who really know what a day in my garden is.
So when he comes home and I look tired it's because
I am tired. I'm a stay at home mom and I'm slap wore out by 6.30

Wear your scars well..Don't beat yourself up because you're not perfect or because other 

women don't have the same scars; decide to love yourself and to thank God for allowing you
the work before you.

Being a mom to 1 or 10 will bring scars and my children are worth the battle   

    

 I hear of so many women struggling with fatigue and why not?

We are doing one of the most demanding jobs in the world you're gonna be tired.

Your gonna blow it but pick up your pack and keep moving.
Can you tell I'm the mother of an Eagle Scout.. 

I have a big garden to tend right now with 8 kids minus 1 add 1..(We have a special guy living with us
right now.) So tending my garden takes lots of weeding everyday. If I don't weed
well the day before I have double duty the next. Its no-ones fault except my own.

A beautiful garden doesn't just happen it takes work.
It takes planning
It takes the want to...

I want to step into this garden that the Lord has so blessed me with and tackle
the weeds of the day.
I don't worry about the weeds of tomorrow but just kneel in the deep rich dirt of today
and get dirty. Get my hands dirty in the soil of their heart.
     

On our road where we live it's old country land. The gardens of each 

farmer proudly on display winter or summer.

The soil being tilled and turned in the winter preparing for the next harvest.

In the summer our neighbors skillful hands constantly bent to pull weeds

or behind their big tractors. Their gardens stand tall and strong I look out my car

window and watch them work. Year after year. Garden after Garden.

Their craftsmanship on display for everyone to see.

Each family has their own way some have a late garden and some an early garden

some don't plant until after the first frost, some do.

Same with parenting I suppose.

We each have a garden and we'll each produce an end product

but we might do it different.

But you produce something  

we all produce something.

My gardening Techniques would make Mr. Green or Mr. Cuzzort  

laugh a little I suppose but we must work it out and learn something new

everyday until  

Until the day when 

She will move off the farm and have her on little plot of land 3 hours south.

She will start tending her own dirt and dirt is dirty and she will have

to kneel in the stuff and keep the hard clots of life soft and manageable.

 I pray I taught her enough 

I will not quit gardening even when my back is bent and my hands tremble I will
always be a gardener for the Lord.
My garden will be on display for generations to come and so while I'm able I will
pull weeds and till the dark rich soil that holds tomorrows fruit.

Gardening from The Farm