Whispering my goodbyes to the wind

My thoughts cannot be put to words.

My once very predictable life has now become one of many changes and, to be honest, lots of tears.

I know that marriage is a beautiful and wonderful gift but letting go of my first born

is like opening a flood gate. It helps me understand my mom a little more.

On the day my brother went into basic training I remember her tears and I also remember the hour drive to where he was doing basic training and she would park us there under a big tree and she would get out and just stand looking at the enormous building that surrounded us and separated her from her first born son. I didn't understand when the wind was cold and the tears were many and yet somehow just being close to where he was comforted her. I knew we weren't supposed to be there but I understand now the need to hold on and the reason we went.

To say goodbye if only whispered in the wind.    

I'm not only whispering goodbye in the wind to just Taylor but also to my oldest son Tucker.

He graduated this year and became an Eagle Scout. He currently has three jobs and so my time with him is different. I'm so proud of the young man he has become and I'm so thankful that he is a light in a dark world. He is such a generous son and the best big brother.

   

I wish I could remind myself that I have no regrets. I have spent hours training them and preparing them for the world but it's still sobering as a mother to work yourself out of a job. 

 Our household has been busy preparing for a wedding and praying for guidance as I continue to train up the little girls still in my charge.

Johns name has been affectionately changed to Bubba and when he spends hours living up to that name I know he is truly a special guy and a wonderful addition to our family.  

In the middle of change why not start more change?

Like a photography business.

Yep, that's what we did- started a crazy exciting adventure that I absolutely love.

Tucker works along side of me as well as Taylor and John so its been lots of fun and lots of hard work.



Channie-Mae is growing up so very fast and her spirit is so helpful and loving.

She is my main model for new locations and new ideas. I don't believe she knows that Taylor will be moving to Auburn and leaving behind the bed they share in their room. That small space is going to get bigger and well Channie just hasn't realized it yet. She and Taylor have always been super close and her world is about to change. I'm sure we will drive to Auburn and get out and whisper our good-byes many times before it sticks. 

   

 Cooper bought himself a camera and spends lots of time learning how to edit. He sets up our stuff on shoots and is learning to take over Tuckers jobs.

See I told you we were changing. 

  

We are still swimming at Aunt Anna's pool this summer and although my two oldest are not with us we must move forward and do the next thing. Having fun is definitely our next thing.

  

The Farm had baby pigs and Rosebud is doing well.

We got a new puppy named Bella. She is full blooded German Shepherd and we absolutely love her.

She is being raised in the house and well, she is the sweetest dog ever.

We found out that Joe has a rare eye condition and is considered legally blind. His mother in Africa

had an eye condition but it was very noticeable and so I thought Joe didn't have it since his eyes didn't cross. I was wrong. Joe can only see 10ft in front of him and we only noticed because we started doing our home school on the computer and he couldn't see the screen.

His new glasses will correct his vision to a certain point but he will never be 20/20.

Being Joe, he never complained and when he put his glasses on for the first time he didn't stop smiling for a straight 24 hours.

  



Our family had the opportunity to go to Disney while attending one of Taylor's bridal teas

and looking at the castle reminded me to live happily ever after. 

And to whisper my good-byes to the wind and to keep doing the next thing well.



A love story

Dear Miss Taylor,
How foolish I feel sometimes when I realize the thoughts I allow to form, unchecked. in my mind. Our time together so short yet I already feel so certain of so many things. The same certainty that I felt that no other woman was right for me, I feel towards you for very different reasons. The night we first spoke I fell instantly in like with you. Every minute since then has only sowed to strengthen that feeling and has been incomparable to anything I've known. Everything with you is so natural, so uncomplicated.
During church, I remember looking down at you, seeing you, the most beautiful woman I know, standing proudly beside goofy old me in front of your entire congregation. I just knew I was dreaming or it was a joke or you had a catch; but to my surprise and honest astonishment and disbelief, you just keep getting better and better. Not only are you everything I have ever dreamed of, you are exponentially more than that. You have brought so much into my life-wonderful, incredible things I never would have comprehended I was missing let alone existed without you.You have this unbelievable ability to make me instantly happy and smile despite the mountains of work and stress of the world and school. No matter where we end up, I will be happy. I will cherish you for the person you are and you have already and I have no doubt you always will be the reason I strive to be the best man I can be and to grow deeper in my relationship with God.

Yours and yours, alone,
John Lewis Porter

My Dearest Taylor,

When my grandmother was dying, I did my best to become close to her before we couldn't hold conversations anymore. It wasn't long before we began talking about her late husband my grandfather. She told me how he used to play the piano for her and I could tell she missed him and the music he played. So I went out and learned the song she mentioned to me. I played it for her soon after and she just sat there, crying, excruciating love apparent on her face, the love she still held for her husband decades after seeing him, never having considered another man. Ever since then, I've dreamed and prayed for a woman I could share a comparable love with. As of late I have been finding myself playing my grandmothers love story on the piano.

Yours and yours, alone,

John Lewis Porter

The sermons you sent me discussed the initial phase of love, the season of perfection. Well if this letter isn't enough indication, I'm definitely experiencing that season. I feel, however, I've already moved in to the next season, that of preparation. He went on to talk about maintaining high standards in the relationship, something I perceive our desires toward purity is on target. He continued by stating families should be involved. Your parents obviously have been here every step of the way. He finished by discussing conditional access. While I have no doubt your father will ensure this, I promise you Taylor, I am, and will remain, a Godly man for you and us.

Yours and yours, alone,

John L Porter

My Sweet Taylor..

How you've opened my eyes to so many things; homemade pizza, organic maple syrup, dancing in the rain. But, most of all, true love. Yes, it is now, after being swept away by you, that I understand what those hyperbolic poets wrote about and the dramatic movie producers gush over. What C.S, Lewis wrote about and what we read the other night-about failing to comprehend the true greatness of something, how the experts of a field know everything that every amateur knows. I feel that way about our love.

I won't always make you happy and I know that there will be stressful days, disappointments and disagreements. However. even these pains are better than my best days before you, living life alone for no purpose, and with no passion. Our love, I've noticed, only seems to become better, richer, deeper, fuller.

I will never forget the love you've showered me with, or the change you've already brought about in my life.  

Yours and yours, alone,

John Lewis Porter 

Dear Beautiful Birthday Girl,

The sermon you sent me said God made woman to help man accomplish the things he cannot accomplish on his own. I know I've said this before, but meeting and falling in love with you has made the things I'"m unable to accomplish on my own abundantly clear. So, on this day, I celebrate your life for your life means the completion of mine. I am overjoyed to be able to celebrate your life with your family, friends, church community. We celebrate you for the good works you've done, for the love you shower on everyone, for the selfless care you provide for your siblings. 

Yours and yours, alone,

John L. Porter   

For seven months now this shoe box filled with homemade breads and cookies and enduring love letters has made it's way back and forth from Auburn where John lives (and will be finishing up his senior year as an electrical engineer) to our little country mailbox that Taylor checks everyday. I have watched my little girl walk the driveway since she was seven years old and had her first pen-pal. Sometimes she couldn't wait till she got home to read the words so she would sit in the pasture and savor every single thing her friend had to say. She would cook while reading letters and read her letters to us by candlelight at the supper table.

 So when her first letter from John came shortly after they met I knew her walk to the mail-box was different. I knew my little girl was grown now and when she pulled that first letter out the smile lasted all the way till she walked up the steps onto the front porch.

I have always known that God meant for Taylor to be a wife. She longed to find her soul mate. She longed to find a man who wanted a wife in a world where so many men are choosing to wait until they have partied or "lived" a life of freedom for a time. She didn't want a man who thought marriage was the last thing you did before you died. She wanted a man who knew that God ordained marriage to be a gift and a blessing. She wanted a man who knew how important family and community was.
So for the past 7 months John has made his way to our home and to our church. He has answered 100+ questions from our closest friends and Elders and so many family meetings that I dare not mention all of them. He has spent one on one time with me and Scott and every one of her brothers and sisters. He has built a fence on the property with Tucker by his side just to help out.

He reads bedtime stories and holds the little girls until they're crying when he has to leave. Back in May John's family and our family made our way to the same beach and got to spend some time together. I knew when John asked Scott and I about marrying Taylor that the answer was yes.

But reality sets in quickly for me. I cry like I've never cried before. Taylor is my first born daughter and very best friend and if you know us at all you know we are joined at the heart. John was asking me for something that I truly didn't know how I was going to give up. You see we cook together every single night and listen to music and tell jokes and read blogs together. She holds one baby and I hold the other when they're sick.
She crawls in my bed and we giggle about hopes and dreams. We eat Mexican on any given day and we both love canning and learning new things .My mind racing to think about my home without her here.

But God tells me in his word there is a time for everything. A time for Taylor to be here and a time for her to leave and it's her time to leave. I sat on the edge of her bed yesterday as she held up things that represented her life for the past 20 years and said should I keep this? Do I need this? Channie can have this. All of these are just things trinkets, books, dolls and I just thanked the Lord that I have spent hours of my time training her to love the Lord and to serve others, to cook and run a household because those things can never be boxed up.  I pray she lives them out every day with John. I pray that as good of a friend she was and is to me that she will be doubly so to him. I am gaining an incredible young man whom I will be proud to call son.

So yes, John, you can have the other piece of my heart and I trust that she will be a  beautiful, loyal daughter of the King to walk beside you all the days of your life.  

 Soon to be married in Oct 2013

my hole

and the rain came and washed everything new again.

When their wet bodies were screaming and laughing and clean

from the downpour I realized that they had grown.

The tiny drops of wetness had cleared the dust away to open my eyes

and remind me that when the blankets of winter are taken off they revealed

growth. Growth in myself and much growth in my gangly children.

 The busyness of cooking and cleaning and taking care of the needs of this farm

try to steal away moments from me. Big moments or little moments..they're my moments to steal and I refuse to let go.

 I find it harder to keep focused on the most important.

 The little day to day smiles or hugs. 

The tiny footprints that leave a trail that I should be following.

  The bigger always making you feel so little. 

Torn between the task and the moment.

I want the moment

I remember when I was having William and they moved me into this huge room that could have held three mourning pregnant women but I was pushed into that room so vast and I remember thinking, I just want a hole.

 A small hole to curl up in and be able to calm my thoughts and hear His voice and yet no one stops and thinks that one who is empty needs a small space so that it doesn't take much to fill that emptiness. 

Our world needing to be downsized so we're not afraid to look around.

We know that all the important things will get done if we downsize.

Sometimes when this huge world calls and you start looking around

at how much space there is to fill you need a hole. You need to go back home

and keep life simple. You need to be able to see the beauty that is around you not try and find beauty in a BIG world where you feel so small.    

 I'm staying closer to my husband lately. I don't know how we got to this new intimate place of me needing him more and more. I guess it's the marriage conferences and the eating out at our favorite restaurant every week. Sitting at our favorite booth and ordering the same food and holding hands and praying over our little part of this big world. Him coming home early because he doesn't want to be away from us. Spending more hours than ever just soaking him in and enjoying my role as his wife. I hear the stories and see the couples who are not making it and it makes me cling tighter to him. How did we make it? How did we come out stronger after 21 years? How come I'm more in love with him now than 10 years ago? We're just a couple. We have problems and we have lots of distractions to keep us away from each other.

 The answer: we created a hole. A small space we could function in and keep the world out.

  We made our personal world smaller. We took out all of the junk and left only the little small space that wasn't hard to fill. The world tries to pull you in. Sports, church events, problems, cell phones, computers, and every other good thing calls out to you and calls out to your children. We realized that we couldn't do it all nor did we want to. If we're going to be remembered for something then let it be said we were lovers of Christ, faithful to each other and our role as parents. Anything that distracted us from that was wrote down and determined if it was worth keeping.

We just stopped the noise.

We stopped cluttering up our small world.

We stopped the difficult people from being able to speak into our family.

We all know we have difficult people that make your world seem huge and confusing. 

 our hole is perfect for us. We're able to train up the way in which our children should go..a promise to us by our Father.

We're able to be faithful to each other and to the beautiful children the Lord has

asked us to raise. We are on the verge of letting two of those arrows go. I pray that they launch far out into the eternal world, and on that broad ocean their soul triumphs over evils. 

I pray they never forget their time here and the laughter that echoed down this little hollow. The trampoline and rain baths. The big dinners and candle light.

The bright bouquets of flowers in the middle of the table from the yard. The days spent laying on towels listening to music and sliding down slides and swinging on swings. The times we've spent falling asleep only to awaken to daddy picking everyone up and slowly putting everyone to bed. The sickness we all shared and health that made us grateful. 

My little hole has been a place of calm and peace for our family

and I'm so thankful for it's little shelter and protection.

The pinky promise has been broken

Be at rest once more oh my soul for the Lord has been good to you.

Be at rest.. such a small word but one that eludes me as of late. I have so much to be thankful for this month, of all months. It has kept me praising His name for all of the goodness in my life. Taylor celebrated her 20th birthday and with John by her side she blew 20 candles out on her cake. My soul wanted to run. My tears wanted to fall for the little girl that I have watched blow candles out over the past 20 years. The little girl that opens each gift without ripping paper. The little girl that I have shared 20 birthday cakes with and the ice-cream to go with it. Yeah, that little girl has grown up even though when she was five she pinky promised me she wouldn't. I knew when I made her make that promise that she would never keep it but here I sit looking at her and truly wondering where it all went.

All that time I thought I had.

and then five days later my soul aching under the realization that my baby boy turned 18. The little boy he used to be just a memory as he is now a man.

I have watched him turn into this amazing guy and I'm so thankful for the gifts that the Lord has given to him. The little boy who used to dress up like batman and run around the house saying, 'Mama, you're the best mama in the whole world".

I didn't miss it. I was here for every first step and every milestone. His first hair-cut and his first words as he learned to read, the first time he road his bike and learned to swim and yet my mind can't find enough of the memories to satisfy me.  

My world changing and along with the birthdays came this young man, John.

He has been an answered prayer in our life. 

You know, the prayer that is written in every journal since she was born.

That guy who would love her and her crazy family. 

They have been courting and I'm truly amazed at what the Lord has done. He has brought into our life a humble young man who loves the Lord and loves the girls crazy family..oh, and he might love the girl as well;)

He is one of the most thoughtful young men I have ever been around.

He opens doors and will make you sea sick if you're sitting at a table with him and Taylor gets up and down a lot. My head goes up and down just watching him. He stands when she sits and he stands when she gets up.

 I'm like, "Taylor don't get up again...poor John will not be able to walk tomorrow".

She smiles that goofy grin at me..and our eyes meet and I know what she's thinking. She's waited her whole life to give me that look and I didn't miss it.

Courting is a family affair. It's not strange like a lot of people make it out to be.

It's quite fun for me, actually.

  Everyone around here has her/his opinions and well, John has made it to the top of the A list with everyone.

He has intentionally made time with each child and with me and Scott. 

There's that word intentional.... with a purpose.

We intentionally call and text John all during the week to pray for him

or to check in with him. They rarely go places alone and there is always a couple of six kids fighting for the chance to ride with the two of them.

Do we do that because we don't trust them?

No, we do that because we are intentionally going to pass our daughter to a man who has strong morals and believes that dating the worlds way isn't working for most people.

  

 He has drove the three hour drive from Auburn more times than I can count to stay in our little house on the hill, to spend hours with our family. Cooking, watching movies, going out to dinner, going to church almost every Sunday, helping wash dishes, reading bedtime stories, celebrating birthdays, walks in the park and helping put our pigs up. You find out a lot about them when it's pig time...

 We have prayed together and hearing the tender words of thankfulness from him thanking God for our family makes my soul sing for joy for him.

    

He sends each child a birthday box and in it filled with things they would love and a card telling them why he loves them and why they are special to him.

He never tires of bed time stories with the little girls or holding Channie for hours on end at church. He sits right in the middle of our big ol' crew at church and smiles as if he was made for such a thing. 

I believe he was.

The good always comes with the change.

Change is inevitable but I'm not good at it.

I'm sorry to disappoint anyone out there but I like routine.

I like bedtime routines and home school days that run together in a blur. 

I love looking for shoes and finding them in crazy places.

I love my front yard and the little patch of dirt that is a reminder of how long they have been swinging under that tree.

I like setting my table and lighting my lanterns and watching their feet dangle

underneath.

.....but the pinkie promise has been broken and her feet don't dangle anymore and he doesn't run around as batman. 

So, as I get used to this change in my life I've been doing a lot of crying.

Yep, good old bawl days and trying not to burden friends with my growing pains.     

I love the Lord and I love what He is doing in our family.

I trust Him and I trust the new work that I'm having to do.

He reminds me that their growing up has been a result of me doing my job. 

Now, I must finish up my work and shut down office for these two.

I know I sound dramatic and, believe me, I am very dramatic, but this season comes with a bitter sweetness that I'm slowly getting used to.

I know you're tired and there are days when you just want the clock to say bedtime but can I tell you that I have moved bedtime so I get an extra hour with them.....and they don't keep their pinky promises.

So, this is my life lately..all the change drawing me closer to Him.

May 2013

What's not to love?

I often wonder when people ask me why we love kids so much

~I mean what's not to love?~

`

The crazy mornings of toast in the oven almost burning.

The little sleepy headed girls snuggling in my bed.

The sweet guys that make me feel so very special.

The water bill that rises when the temp is above 70 degrees outside.

The days that seem to run together and not remembering the beginning

nor the end just living each moment out loud.

The hundreds of episodes of Andy Griffith that we have watched piled up like back yard puppies on my bed.

The days of sickness that makes you sit in a rocker and hold

them all day long.

The meals that we have experienced and tasted together.

The car drives that either are very sweet

or make you want to lose your mind.

Wiping noses

Brushing teeth

Kissing boo-boos

One more math problem

 Cooking for

Saying no whining to

Watching for

Worrying over

Braiding hair

Looking for shoes

Slowly wondering where I went in all of that but not really caring because I know that doing God's work means I must die to the things I want to do and instead do

the things He wants me to do. Not easy but slowly the Lord teaches you.  

I pray that when my children are grown that they can be shot out of my home like strong bright arrows that don't lose their way in this world. But that means I must be involved because I'm their mother and I want them to succeed only second to their father and so I will keep on training and be with them each and every day.

I pray when I take my last breath that they keep climbing and keep moving forward.What the world has to offer me does not appeal to me.

I don't like the way the world trains up children:

Without the bible and without good sense, if you ask me.

No direction just do what feels good and do what's least painful

on yourself and your children. The results are astounding.

We have realized along the way most recently that

our parenting is not without flaws and so we're so thankful for God's grace.

I want to teach them that family is a gift.

Remembering that God creates family and so

He created us to live on this farm and raise these animals

and sing around the table

and celebrate birthdays and anniversaries

new beginnings of things to come all settled between us.

Family.

Things worked out, mulled over and prayed over.

Decisions made based on the word of God instead

of the word of the world.

I have learned a very small lesson in my lifetime that I'm

trying to pass down to one of my oldest now,

"If the world doesn't like what you're doing then

you must be walking down the right path."

The world hates the things that God created.

So don't be complexed or confused when people don't

understand what you're doing or why you're doing it.

Stay on the path, keep walking and don't you dare settle for what the world has to offer.

I'm trying to slow my life down a bit

enjoy the leaves returning and the sun as she unpacks right here in the middle

of the farm. I can hear their voices echoing through the hollow,

the laughter and screams that a little water can make.

A new season.

  

She's no longer a baby.

They are no longer little and clean.

He lost his best friend and now sits around on the fence thinking about what

to do. I loved watching them curl themselves in a ball intertwined around each other so tight you didn't know where one ended and one began. 

He sits around as if waiting for his friend to return but return he won't,

just like Summer of 2012 won't return.

A new season is here and I have to jump down off my fence and stop

waiting for something that will not return.

I must continue down my path of motherhood and stop

looking back at the good ol' days and remember to live in this day.

Always remembering to live.

Life on the farm

I love the way they turn out, my life in pictures of the everyday.

Celebration of moments that are here for only a moment.

Channie-Mae loves little babies and her affection and devotion is contagious.

I love her excitement of just giving a bottle.

Her laying her head on the pillow at the end of the night and

hearing her last words be, "I've got to get some sleep so I can help with the babies tomorrow."

The way the field hay bends its rod to welcome him in as the sun goes down

and splashes on his face.

The way on national sibling day they didn't know it was special because they spend every day together.

fighting.

painting.

loving.

playing.

See, we're not perfect. 

The way the roaster protects his little flock of six hens in the back yard.

He thinks he's so bad and really he is.

He scares everyone around here.

I like that about him though. 

He does his job.

The daffodils are in bloom and every year the kids run up and down the yard helping them put their tiny seeds to flight.

They huff and puff and the tiny seed pods drift out into the pasture to soon deliver a beautiful yellow flower that gets picked by the hands of my children.

The old red truck is being serviced for her upcoming job to circle this

farm and haul kids in the back. 

Looking forward to a spectacular summer of many memories of us.